Sinking or living?

Even though the body is filled with water, it still feels light as it slowly falls into the abyss. The cold liquid surrounding my hopeless body makes my clothes turn into my second skin, and there's no reason to cry, scream, or feel sad. The only sound is deepness. Bubbles flowing up from my lips and then I open the eyes for a second.

And I'm back. The sun is scratching the corners of my eyes, causing me to squeeze them. Loud noises everywhere, others looking the same like they were made in the one factory. Little children with their parents or grandparents, happy couples or just groups of teenagers living their lives.

And then..there's me. Empty slot with black toughts, blasting music in it's headphones, holding onto it's phone tightly, trying to ignore everything and everyone. Is this really living? Still thinking about what others have and I don't? Watching their happy and calm faces. They all for sure know who they are. Man..woman...they were born like that.

But what about me? Everyday looking into the same mirror, into the same eyes, nose, lips..but..not knowing who that person would be. Would it be girl with bright smile, black dress, heavy makeup and glitter all over her face? Or boy in black shirt, pants and few rings with small eyeliner on the corner of his eye and softly redish lips? Still..both of them are not...happy..satisfied. Still controling themselves, not smiling too openly just to hide the carelesness of their looks in past, and know they are too afraid to change it now. What would the doctors said? Such a careless stupid young girl huh?

Then what abot the red spots on their skin, the too much big and soft spots where the right muscles should be..and the soul..fragile like piece of glass, their heart too afraid to feel and love again, glued together with their delusions. Both...thrown away or broken by too many people. By being wierd or talking too much? Or just being annoying like spirng allergy? Or just for loving too much. Still not ready to pass it to someone else. Afraid of everything, but not showing a single thing to the world.

Is this really living? Is this really worth fighting? Is this really what I want to call ''Life?''..or just ''Living? Call it whatever you want.

I don't know either to be honest. Wouldn't it be better just sink into the cold water, deep abyss and let all those thoughts swim away? I should end all of this and everything's gonna be okay. Just leave everything behind, stop making their lives worse. Maybe?..yes..or no? If yes, so what's stopping me?

It's still them. The small sunbeam fighting through the water, making me want to breathe again and look at them, hug them or just spend time with them. They're making worth to wake up every morning, make a cup of hot coffee, pet my two cats, just scratch something small onto the paper and just have a will to live another day. Just will to breathe in...breathe out.

Yes, sometimes the current of the water is strong, like the dark tenseness of death in my mind, but I know there are still them...Motivating me to overcome the storm in my mind and heart, reviving my emotions. By being there and making me believe I might be worthy of love, they erase all the wrong things I've ever said.

What would you rather do? Sink or just fight through the life with the right people by your side?