Show up, be present, and say "I Love You"

Confession to Mom: Promise to Grandma

What now seems like so many years ago, just shows actually time flies. Those days we rarely believe things would be how they were at times. I was learning to be an adult and enjoying what life gave me. Grandma just moved in her apartment around the late 90's. Mom, you know grandma always let us know her issues. She trusted and believe in me because I took time to listen to her. Grandma depended on me in many ways as you know. Honestly, grandma was lonely in her cute little apartment. Her sick days was lonely, you know I always dropped everything to attend to her regardless. Being set in her ways, and routine, sometimes she just wanted someone there. I couldn't ask to have those times with grandma taken from me. Yes, she would drive me crazy just like she did you and your sister.

Mom, if you think about it grandma knew the tricks to live a long life. From washing her chicken noodle soup, Cheerios, oats, low sodium, it gave her a good quality of life. Those days of her feeling sick, was days being depressed. She was lonely and anxiety of being alone would take her mind to other places.. Many times to hear her say, “I don’ t want to go to the hospital by myself”. I’d go meet her there after she go in the ambulance, after being there waiting it was always stomach issues. What doctors failed to actually say was “depression”. Her times of chest pain that everyone except me realized was anxiety. Never did I fail to listen to what mentally was doing to her physical health. As a young women, it was easy to see what everyone else failed to take time to realize. The pain of depression and anxiety left her feeling unwanted, a pain in the as s to others. Mom, grandma was learning herself how to get through it. Oh how, I am blessed to know the power of mental health struggles by watching her – one day at a time. Her routine was easy for me to understand because I was there most days, weeks, months, and years – learning to help her feel better. Some days were frustrating more than others. After some time, it was easy to know what she needed. Just someone to break the mental defeat of being alone. After dad died, it was hard for me to grieve. Having the knowledge to educate myself, taught me to cope. Mom, those days you open my bedroom door, me lifeless to depression medication - thank you for just checking in. Depression took my world and shook me in a mental mess. Your checking in, not saying anything but love you, made me open my eyes. Most days, sleeping 22 hours out the day – nothing gave me reason to open my eyes, shower, eat or even move at that. For 4 mos. I forgot about grandma needing me. By the time all the depression medicine took from my life- maybe all the drugs before hand- allowed me to rest. My body felt helpless and my mind felt defeated.. How could I honestly be there for grandma, when I was non-existing to my own life?

My life coach was gone, dad and I would sit in the yard drinking beer and talk about life. Mom, thank you for just let me be. Let me see that to have existence, you have to be present. To write in my journal was difficult. I couldn’t hold a pen, damn opening my eyes was tough. Most times, I believe I cried in my sleep.. Two hours awake was painful, to function – to be present. A slow unconscious mystery in my mind; heard you say, “I love you” would make me cry – Mom, you loved me through my worst. No judgement or question, you just loved me through my darkest moments.

Finally one day, showering it came to me, grandma just needed someone there - not having to say a word – its being present. Seems then something changed, feeling of existing, showing up and being present.

Mom, you were always patient with me. Many times you said I had patience with grandma. Yes, I did because that was what you showed me. I had the ability to know the only grandparent I had left to be present for. Both grandpa's I never got to meet, they passed before my arrival.

Mamaw passed when I was 9, which I took care of her as a child. I remember the day of her passing. Its just so clear in my mind, that love has no boundaries. The experience of mental health is part of life a how we acknowledge it and have learnt my caregiver skills so young. Actually grandma was more than being present, to me it was real life and love. Knowing her and growing from being present and showing up, made me who I am today, to never pass up a moment to say “I love you”.

Somewhere in conversation grandma mentioned nursing home. Well you know dad talked of grandpa being in a nursing home and wished he hadn’t made that decision.

I made grandma a promise, as long as I had a breathe in me, she never had to worry about going to a nursing home. Grandma knew I would take care of her, regardless of what she needed. It became part my own mental health status to cope. Being present for her made her better and if she couldn’t relate to my situation, she listened and was present. You knew she only had the best care possible. We can laugh at the good times. Damn, I would love to hear her voice, needing a few things from the store. Or just have to take her to the doctors appointments, she would always think the worst. Never missing breakfast at Frisch’s afterwards. She was a tough women, mind sharp as could be. Always focused, alert and taking it all in. I always admired her focus and alertness throughout the years. She knew a lot of family history, world events, dates, names and birthdays.

Well mom, when grandma moved in at your house, after her last fall, she had me renew my promise. Without hesitation, I reassured her no matter what, I would be right there. She loved the thought of putting me through frustration at times.

We knew she gave her effort when things … went unexpected. The day we found out the cancer returned. The moment of tears.. It was real.. That moment my heart felt - it was real. I knew this was the beginning of the end. Mouth cancer was bruttle to watch and experience in those final days.

Before I got her wheeled out to the van.. To break the moment, I said well with cornavirus happening, what better time to spend with me. Laughing.. Grandma said I wouldn’t have it any other way. Least we be inside and won’t need to wear these mask. That moment had brought reality to love, trust, showing up, and being present. Mom, I could hardly move to know that good or bad we still have to show up. And showing up has pain, that being present is felt. Heart shattering news or events that take us from being okay to I’m not okay. Either way the risk of love hurts. Mentally, emotionally, and physically being present and showing up can be challenging. It doesn’t matter how much armor you arrive in – shit can be real pain. Being on both spectrums of mental health issues, you showed me, its not easy, to watch another person hurt. Just show up, be present and say “I love you”. Just those 3 things are most important. Even if you do nothing more or nothing less it means the world. Mom, you watched me give my all to give grandma the best care. As she would always be aware and alert; you stood in the doorway of her room. Grandma always asked if you were okay. As she said tell you she loved you, you say it back to her as she hear you. Those moments Mom, showing up, be present and saying “I love you”, is all she needed from you. The nurse would come and it was always known that when the time gets close we will know. 22 years being a caregiver gave me every medical procedure and mental health knowledge possible – just no paper trail. One thing I am sure of is the blessing to show up, be present, and say “I love you”, three things most people never experience. Mom, grandma never doubted she would be at home when her time came. That secret promise was honored because I always told grandma you were okay. Being okay was you allowing her to pass at home. There is never a time she was alone, and her depression had improved just being there with you. I never doubted the fact, the day grandma would leave us any other place than home. Gathered round, tears and last words, what we thought was last breathe, then one more it was slight silence grandma last breathe “love you”. And just in the same room mamaw passed when I was 9.. Your grand-daughter at the age 9, stood beside me holding her great grandmas hand – just as I had done with my grandma at age of 9. Without a doubt, a blessing to experience death by showing up, be present, and say “I love you” is something the eyes- can only allow the soul to feel. To live life is about loving those who are present. Mom, As long as I have a breathe in me, for you, everyday I show up, am be present, and say “I love you”, a million more times. My confession as your daughter. I am always, right here!