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Should I Stay, Or Should I Go??

by Sean S 10 months ago in Family · updated 10 months ago
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Evaluating My Marriage and Love Life

I know, odd photo for this type of thing I suppose. But really, it's kinda just here to help me find a bit of a neutral-ish, objective mindset for this confession and evaluation. And rooting for our American USMNT & USWNT in International Soccer and my Green Bay Packers are two of my most treasured passions, so it does display a bit of backstory for you on my personality I would hope.

I don't pretend to have looked up said statistics on such things, but there is enough buzz for even me, a Hornsby-Esque Fever Pitch Style Supporter of my teams to have heard ads and references to studies and clickbait claiming that 8 Years is roughly a make or break point for a relationship. Frankly such proclamations seem to be made about all landmark type numbers, too; so who's to say if any of it is meaningful. But I bring it up because come May I'll have known my wife for 8 years and been married to her since October of 2015.

We're not even particularly having significant issues or anything:

Our biggest recent issue is that she tried to schedule our much belated honeymoon for Super Bowl Weekend, worst possible timing when the sports-world will feel very dead until Football Returns since the disgraceful Qatar World Cup is delayed until November and Summer of our World Cup Year is Barren, Her Party Stolen by Bribing Middle-Eastern Human Rights Violating November Turkeys!!

Which is what makes me really feel worthless and a good-for-nothing ne'er-do-well with despicable intentions for even considering leaving for another woman or possibly even my bachelor singledom I never even got to enjoy properly because of my poor youth choices. As a hopeless romantic with something of a Klingon Sense of Honor, (I've written about my favorite Taylor Swift Songs on here for goodness sakes.) So I'm very much having a mid-life, identity crisis since I'm considering something as heartless as leaving my wife for the sake of my own happiness.

But to begin, the context of our relationship must be explored. Essentially I was something of a 'Failure to Launch' Case after not successfully transitioning from high school to college. And my wife was the person who built me up enough for me to venture out into the world with her and finally leave home. Which shows the relationship unfortunately has that baggage to it that makes it easy for my doubts to cry foul and claim it's only been a means to that end. If I could actually find the time and money I would agree with those of you screaming at your screens that I need therapy.

Our current conditions are what's really, really driving me away more than anything else. To put it bluntly, I still love my wife and wish the best for her, but I'm beyond sick of living with her:

We live in an annoying rental house that's practically impossible to heat in a Rocky Mountain Air Climate. A change she demanded that saved us a mere $150 per month in rent savings, and took us away from an apartment that was very, very convenient and that we both loved aside from some mismanagement people issues with the people running it.

I'm very much not a pets guy, but they love me and steal pieces of my heart regardless. She's gradually forced more and more animals on me over time. Now resulting in 2 dogs and 2 cats, the latest of which the new puppy, Lady, feels like a final straw as going through puppy bullshit again very needlessly is extremely frustrating beyond easy measure.

And perhaps most crucially, as it probably always is outside of infidelity, is our money problems. I slave away as a godam' Texas Correctional Officer, getting a 'thanks to mandatory overtime' bi-weekly mindfuck depression paycheck from Austin, which drives my bleeding Crimson and Cream Boomer Sooner Oklahoma Heart NUTS!!! I'm in too deep now, too. I've got 5 years down with 25 more to go until #1stRetirement. It's a decent living and living in Amarillo is a nice place to live, but the possibility of spending the majority of my life in Texas to just get killed on duty from the ever increasing job stress at a very young age is extremely concerning! Statistically speaking Correctional Officers are lucky to see their 60s, so me bragging about getting to 1st Retirement at Age 55 isn't as sweet sounding as it does at the surface level.

And to top it all off, there's rarely anything more than basic rations in the actual house because she doesn't work!! Or more precisely she doesn't get paid for it since her job is watching her sister's kids completely for free outside of sisterly return favors here and there. Let me quickly stress that the kids are NOT the issue. I love my niece and nephew. And if I do end up leaving my wife, I'm still going to be the very, very best Uncle Sean I can be for them.

BUT

Living paycheck to paycheck even with someone you love is NO FUN!! My Klingon Honor gets slowly replaced by Ferengi Desperation little by little every day!! Not to mention I've considered just ending it all since the rewards rarely come anywhere close to justifying the effort.

I know another big part of the problem is that I don't have enough friends and I don't maintain friendships very well on any level. Generally speaking I relate to and understand females easier usually, but those friendships usually get destroyed by my sexual tension and awkwardness. I usually find my fellow men gross and obnoxious. So yes you can insert your he's a lesbian that got upgraded to a real penis jokes if you wish, especially as I've been plagued with self-esteem destroying man boobs since approximately age 11. And in some perverse way just writing about the situation for your perusal is cathartic somehow. Even my wife says I need someone else to bitch about her to for that kind of mental process. And there's got to be healtier ways of doing that that this, *bead of sweat emoji*.

A

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I've got to straddle my own health and well-being and theirs. Ironically George Strait - I Hate Everything has come across my Spotify Shuffle of my Liked Songs, how apropos. I used it years ago for a griping about Brett Favre playing for the Vikings YouTube Video, lol.

Perhaps I'll just turn it all into a best selling novel going on soap opera and make millions, but until then...doing rounds in offender housing areas is hard enough in good times. Doing them with my own housing issues up in the air is extreme!

Family

About the author

Sean S

Please also check out Red River Rivalry THE Podcast!

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