Sharing Circle

This year has been a hard one, probably the hardest one of my life so far. I have felt the saddest, the most lost, the most confused and have now settled on trying not to feel anything. I don’t talk as much and prefer to keep everything to myself. There is definite guilt because I have left friends and family behind in order to keep going. Not talking or sharing makes me feel better, as crazy as that sounds, it keeps me under control and still. I don’t know if what I’m doing is right or wrong but after losing myself for three months I’m too scared to try anything else. One thing I have been grateful to have is my full time job. When I’m at work I get to focus on something else for 8 hours and the conversations I have are pretty repetitive and comfortable for me. That was until yesterday.

Yesterday we had a meeting scheduled after work. I took my notepad and headed to the meeting. I thought this meeting would be like any other meeting so I felt fine. Once I arrived I noticed chairs set up in a circle. I immediately panicked and I could feel my heart beating faster. I was trying to think of excuses to leave when I saw some of my colleagues start to sit down around me. My fear was that this meeting would be more about sharing than being told information, and I was right. I won’t get into the details of the meeting but I will just share how the situation made me feel.

Like I said I have been keeping to myself for months now and successfully keeping my feelings at bay. My fear was that at this meeting something would break me and I would have to quit my job out of embarrassment. While the circle shared, I had to mentally prepare myself to somehow come up with generic things to share and survive. I’m perfectly aware that this little exercise was not meant to harm anyone and I did like the message of the meeting. However, it just reminded me of how broken and shaken I still am. A simple sharing circle, in which I am under no obligation to do, scared the living daylights out of me. I know this isn’t normal, this meeting should not have that effect on me. The whole drive home I just kept thinking about what I am doing and if I can change. I also kept thinking about leaving my job and working from home.

I’m still confused now between keeping to myself and controlling my emotions that way or pushing myself to how I used to be before I lost myself. The problem is the person I was before was not any better emotionally, she just knew how to hide it better so that people around her felt she was good and normal. I have to admit when I think about pushing myself to change my brain is already saying no. I don’t know how to explain that being quiet has helped me be steady. It’s as if the less I know about other people and the less they know about me keeps me above water. It’s true I don’t laugh as much anymore, but I also don’t cry as much now. My feelings are being held tightly and they are controlled, I really don’t want to let go of that.

I know I’m not living my life in the best way. I’m smart enough to know that if I wanted help I could get it. I also know that the people around me are understanding and just want the best for me. Maybe this is just a season in my life that is supposed to be really hard so that I can finally decide what to do with it. I’m hoping I will soon discover which direction to take so that I can be happy without hurting others. Anyway, I had to share this recent experience since it has made such a big impression on me and is still lingering on my mind.