Secrets - Letter to my Mom

My dearest Mom,

I’ve always been scared to tell you how I really feel. In any given situation I feel judged by you. When I was younger it always felt like you stood against me, and it still feels that way sometimes. When you moved all the way across the country and left me and my brother with our dad, new stepmom, and three kids we barely knew, I felt betrayed. It wasn’t until I was much older in life that I knew how that change affected you too.

Being as young as I was, I couldn’t comprehend how you could just pack your life up and leave without us. But now I know, you didn’t want to. Now that I’m seeing you through my adult eyes, I know that change was what you needed. You were able to get your life on a track you would not have had if you stayed.

It may have killed me as a growing kid to not have my mom with me, but you made every effort to see us. Whether it was hopping on a plane for a business meeting in our state and taking us out of school to see us, or telling our dad, “I’m taking the kids for the weekend, bring them to the airport”. We saw you when we needed you, and that was the most important thing.

Now that I am here in the same state as you and building my own life, I see another side of you as well. One I didn’t have a chance to see growing up. Is this the real you? I’m not accustomed to this side of you, even after almost 7 years of living close to you.

I make a decision that will benefit myself, my partner, and a future we have together, and I want you to be the first to know! But there is not a single word in your response that says congratulations. Your responses make me doubt myself. Every chance you get to talk about my partner and his family, you stomp on everything they try and do for us.

While I can appreciate your stance on feminism, I hate that you can’t stand women who give up their career for their children. Some women dream of having that opportunity, myself included. We have talked about that at length before. Not all women want to be powerhouses in the workplace, and you constantly berate me for wanting that. I thought the biggest point to feminism was to support other women’s decisions? Even if that means they resemble a standard 1950s housewife.

These feelings make me question what I was taught growing up. What were the actual reasons you left?

Did you leave us for your job and your job alone?

Did you resent having my brother and I because it made you “less” in the workplace?

What made you think we would be okay without you?

If I have kids, are you going to encourage me to leave them if it’s between them and work?

What is your answer going to be when I have my own children, and I need someone to just listen, not attack?

When will you start supporting my choices, like I support yours?

I want to ask you these things so bad, but I know it will make you feel less than what you really are. And what you really are is badass. I wish my goals looked like yours.

Mom, I love you so much. I want you to have everything life can offer you. I want you to succeed in everything you set your mind to.

But mom, I want you to love me like that too. I don’t want you to buy me things and include me in concerts or drinking. I want to be heard. I want my choices to be supported, not knocked down by a false sense of feminism. I want my thoughts of moving to a safer area to be considered seriously, not just saying, move back by me. We want out, not deeper.

I want you to see me for who I am. If you saw me, you would see I am still recovering from everything my stepsister put me through. I am still recovering from a mom and a stepmom who said they wouldn’t leave and then left. I am still recovering from being told I am the reason for things happening. I am still recovering.

I don’t want loud noises that overwhelm me. I don’t want to drown myself in alcohol, I don’t enjoy those things.

I want us to sit down and talk, have a very real conversation without any victim mentalities. I don’t want either of us to get mad. I want us to understand.

My deepest secret I must tell you, is that I am growing to resent you. And I hate that I feel that way. I want it to change so bad. I want a mom that will listen when I tell her things. I want MY mom from before she left. I remember that mom helping me through problems and teaching me. I remember a mom that respected my thoughts and tried to see the world from my perspective.

If I had the chance to talk to you all those years ago with the wisdom I have now, I would have told you there was another option. Working moms are superheroes. You taught that to me and my brother, we knew you worked hard from a young age. We get it from you.

Even though we were young, we understood that as a single mom, you needed help. We couldn’t do much at the time, but we tried. As a working single mother, you did amazing. The time I remember with you being there was amazing. Even with as busy as you were, you made time for us. And don’t you ever forget that time you gave us meant the world.

But I can never tell you these things. The moment I do, I’ll lose you forever.

I love you mom,

Emily