To my Bonus Mom

Tammy,

I'm not sure how to start this letter, everything still feels so raw. You left my dad 5 years ago, and I still feel pain. There is so much you need to know but I'm not sure where to begin.

Meeting you was like meeting a long-lost friend. We were obviously ages apart; I was 11 and you were in your 30s. But somehow, it always felt like we were meant to know each other. You brought so much joy into my life, along with two extra bonus brothers and a bonus sister. I loved that you called it bonus instead of “step”. That one single word made our relationship with you feel less like a Cinderella story. Classic tale of a dad marrying a woman with her kids, you know?

Over the years I got to share so many milestones with you, and I was happy to. My mom was still part of my life and got to experience these things too, but it was a little different. You were here physically to comfort me on bad days. I had the bonus side of things.

My first day of high school, first kiss, first heartbreak, and first you know what. Throughout all my years of dance you tried to be there. But that’s all you did – tried. Every time there was a performance you missed you tried to blame it on your biological kids. The biggest thing that hurt in that situation, was you could’ve brought them. I wanted everyone to see what I worked so hard towards. All of you encouraged me to dance in a way that would stun people, and that’s exactly what I did. But you never once got to see me. Apologies were all I ever heard.

Later after my dad’s heart attack, there was a shift. It wasn’t much, in fact it took me a good year to realize what was happening. After every small or big argument you guys had, you always came to me to vent. You pavloved me, and I didn’t understand it completely until years later in my child psychology class.

When I moved away you said you wish there was something to make me stay. You know what would have made me stay? You already being gone. I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of your daughter. Your constant talk of putting her into the foster system because you didn’t have the strength to handle her drove me away. She was a terrible kid; anyone can admit that. But you were a terrible mother to her too. I hated that I saw a different side of you than your own flesh and blood. Do you know how that affected her? Seeing you treating a “bonus” daughter how she should’ve been treated? It killed her, and she reacted.

I was celebrating my three-month anniversary with my boyfriend when I got the call from my dad. I have never heard my dad break down before, but low and behold, he was trying not to cry to me on the phone. He was trying to be the bigger person and tell me what happened. All you did was wait for me to call you then when I asked for your side, you shocked me speechless. You told me when I moved away there was no one left for you to get the buffer from. You called a child your buffer. You told your “bonus” daughter you left her dad because she couldn’t smooth things over for you. You led a child with abandonment issues, and depression to believe it was her fault that her dad was hurting so much. A dad she would lay down her life for.

Then to make matters worse, you started dating a man you had brought into our shared home years earlier. A man my dad was skeptical of and asked you to keep out of our home. A man who all your friends think is my father because we “look alike”. You were not shy to tell me the intense details of how you talked to each other now that you’re dating.

I don’t care that you weren’t physically doing things with this guy, I cared that you decided to tell me. I never once wanted to know any of that.

You took away everything good that you had ever done for me. You soiled the image of a “bonus” family.

My confession and secret to you is I wish you never pursued my dad. I love that he was happy, he was finally getting what he deserved. But based on the look of who you’re with now, and how you hold yourself. All you wanted was a brand-new roof over your head and a place to dig your claws. You never loved us, you just used us.

Now you can enjoy your difficult life with your new “bonus family” as you put it on Facebook. I see you struggling every day, and honestly I’m not sad. I’m not happy either. I’m indifferent towards your pain now. You make disgusting choices now.

The biggest part that sucks about this too? I miss my extra brothers. But it’s so hard to separate you from them.

But I’m done with you.

Truly,

Your bonus daughter you manipulated