Scared

I was going to write a horror story called “The Body In The Bed” about someone who lives alone wakes up, does his normal morning stuff and then goes back into the bedroom and sees there is someone in his bed. This frightens him, he asks who it is and eventually is brave enough to pull the sheets back, and the body is revealed as his own. Is he dead? How can he see this? He has just made coffee and drunk it.

I really couldn’t think about how that ending could make a good story as, thanks to certain people in my life, I am always looking for positivity and a good ending for stories.

I have written horror stories in the past heavily influenced by Roald Dahl (not the misogyny) and Jonathan Aycliffe and I am fine with them, they have helped me develop my writing and I really want to have something more positive like my Sandman and Sea Girl series which you can sample below.

The reason I am writing this is that I am going into hospital today to have a cancerous tumour removed from my liver and I am very scared but I cannot speak to anyone about how I feel because I have been brought up to be the one that is there for others and needs to be able to stand up for myself, and not actually be scared. Here is the story of the first part of this:

I do know that the most important people in my life are there for me, but this feels like jumping off a ship in the middle of an ocean and I am not sure I will be able to swim.

I am writing this because I expect to come back and then not be scared, and I want it to be here so that people know that I have been scared and come through it, and they can talk to me if they are scared about something and know that they can deal with it.

I have one friend in a very similar situation to me and am sure that we will both come out of these very scary trials and get into a very good place in both our futures, but that doesn’t stop us both being frightened for ourselves at this moment in time.

At this moment I am working and waiting for a phone call to tell me I have a bed before the operation.

I suppose one of the things about writing is that you can be completely uninhibited in what you say because you know there is no immediate response, although I would love an arm round me and wish I could do that for my friend.

As I write I am listening to Tom Waits and that makes me feel better, my Himalayan Salt Lamp is shining and it looks nice. It is sunny outside so I feel positive but still scared.

I hope by the time this is published on Vocal and my friends see it, everything will be complete and all I need to do is recover. Luckily I am in the Uk and have the NHS to look after me so I have every confidence this will have an excellent outcome, but I am still scared but in my case it’s the tings I can’t control.

I give thanks to all the support I get from my wonderful friends and soon I will be back and being my normal annoying self. I have no intention of going anywhere and intend to be here for a lot longer.