Rent Free

Have you ever met someone so intoxicating? You don't need drugs or alcohol, you have them. Your permanent high. You don't need to go out and socialize. You don't need the rush of skydiving or jumping off a cliff. You've got them. She is that for me.

To the girl that will probably never read this...

When you are around I know it, because your strings start pulling at mine. You are sweet, spicy, feisty, imperfectly perfect, a Virgo, like me, but not like me. You are occupying, attentive, considerate, quirky, awkward, mesmerizing... You are you, and I like it. I wish your orbit was around me all the time. With all the different planets, you are the sun.

I look at my social media constantly to see if you posted anything in your story, not very often you do. I pretend like I don't see you from my peripherals at work, but I always do. I pretend like I don't find you intoxicating in every way, but I do. I could be around you all day and never get tired of the energy you possess. It pulls me in like tornado winds and it is very hard for me to resist.

The rush you give me.

Like a drug that I could take all day. It is such a rush to just see you, to just know that you're there. Is it your energy? Your quirkiness? Uniqueness? All of the above? It isn't about your body... I could live in our connection all day.

When you hug me it's like our hearts are hugging each other. So often I wonder if you feel the same way.

I would never tell you these words out of fear of losing you as a friend. Making things awkward at work. Scaring you off. So, I admire you from afar. I see you when maybe you don't think I notice. Since our first time together, the connection was unlike any other. It is like I am on a rollercoaster, and it is about to drop. I go slowly up and stop at the top, I can see the steep drop I am about to endure out of "fun". My stomach becomes twisted, my heart begins to race with excitement and anxiety, butterflies? Not really. It is more like a hundred frogs jumping inside of my chest. When you brush past me ever so lightly, I get a rush. When you ask me for a hug, or just hug me, I get a rush. When I see you, I get a rush.

But, do you even notice me? Do you know that I feel this way, or am I doing a terrible job at hiding it? When I walk away, do I occupy your mind like you do mine? Almost at all times of every day. A crush? It's a little bit more than that. A relationship? No. Just you. Occupying my time.

Fast forward:

To the girl that knows everything:

Soooooo I told her... everything... and she feels the same way, but of course it is not that easy. I have a feeling the intoxication is only on my end and that everything on her end are reasons we won't work.

Honestly though, I just want to get lost in her. Every cord that runs through her body and makes her, her. Every single dot on her skin. Every single thought that goes through her mind. I want her arms to press against mine. I want our fingers to slowly graze each others as we hand things back and forth. I want the stares that turn into both of us looking away because if we don't who knows what's going to happen. I want our knees to be best friends.

I want it all.

I want the long walks with you. the talks that we have yet to have. roadtrips. laughs. longer hugs that we never get to have. I want to stare at you and see what happens. I want the nervousness. the uncomfort of liking someone so much you don't even know how to breath in front of them. I want the movie nights, the texting that never ends. the missing her but having the access to her without feeling a massive wall between us.

I want her.

All of it.

The good. The bad. The ugly. The absolutely stunning. I wanna gawk at her. Admire her. Check her out. Pull her in close and give her butterfly kisses. I want her to know that I am here, and not planning on going anywhere.

My heart is on this page. In every word typed.

This is for her.

For you.