Regret

I have never been one for regrets in the past. The things that happen to us are lessons learned. I became who I am through my regrets and therefore shouldn’t have any. Only the lessons they brought me to carry with me.

When I reflect I realize that these thoughts seem troubled. They seem like the thoughts of someone that doesn’t want to feel things. Someone that bottles things up inside a heart of stone. Sure the lessons will help me grow as a person but if I do not truly process these regrets, these emotions then are they really teaching me anything at all?

Maybe I have changed recently. I don’t know whether it’s from self reflection or from wanting to change. I have regrets now. They weigh inside of me heavier than that stone heart ever could. Always there and never leaving me no matter how much I want them to. They linger in the back of my mind.

My regrets feel like a lost love letter to you. Sent and never to be seen or heard. Written too late and to weigh on me for eternity.

I regret that I wasn’t there for you more. The way that you needed me to be and that I couldn’t be. The support and strength that could give you the warm fuzzies. The rock in your times or need. The place that you could come to truly feel safe and at home. Your safe haven.

I regret that my anger was louder than your needs and wants. That wasn’t fair to you. When you were only looking for some help I should have been there for guidance and support. To shelter you from the storm, even if it was the storm within yourself.

I regret that I couldn’t fully share myself in the same way that you could share yourself with me. To fully know someone is a beautiful and scary thing. Maybe the most beautiful and most scary thing. It’s hard to embrace the scary feelings even if they will lead to the most beautiful feelings in the world. The thoughts and feels that I wanted to know most in the world.

I regret that I hadn’t listened to you in the way that you felt completely heard and whole. Your stories were what once drew me to you and though I never stopped listening I some how stopped receiving them in the same way. I miss those stories almost as much as I miss you.

I regret that I couldn’t be all that you needed and then some. The way you were to me once and the way I will always remember you. I know I had it in me somewhere but my hesitation was a hindrance that I could never forgive myself for.

There are countless regrets that I have about you. Regrets I have about me. They will always be with me. Etched on my soul like a tattoo on my skin. I’ll never be able to escape them or the memories of them.

Some day maybe we can find our ways back together again and make these regrets the biggest lessons I have ever learned. Even if we are to never meet again I hope that these regrets will be lessons that I can hold on to forever. To teach me to be a better person. The better person that I strive to be every day. In this world that is always changing, I too am always change. If only for the better.

Thank you for the memories. Thank you for your love.