Pointlessness

As I am writing this, I am thinking and trying to transmute what is going on with my life. Missing passwords, constant hacking attempts by family and strangers also trying to find their way into my story, but I still have the pen, I chose that when I decided that I wasn't going to die that day.

There is an immense energy concentrating around this house, the other day, through my kundalini awaking, I was pulled to go to the corner of the street like that one dream I had, the ones that meant the most to me at the time that I still remember now.

I always thought I might die there, but I guess the point of fate is that you can't ever really know. So many people take me back to this same corner that doesn't really do anything for me.

I am still remembering the kundalini awakening where I realized all the apples that grew around me, like they were some sort of namesake of my time being here. I wish I could collect them and do something productive.

I never thought about it this way until now, but perhaps my aunt was not jealous of me but just mad at the squandered potential.

My cousin decided to make our chat encrypted. I don't know why he sent me anything to begin with. Especially if requires a numeric passcode.

I am trying different birthdays but I don't know what the numbers might be. I should just ask one of my cousins or something, but I don't want to outright ask grandma's birthday. I feel it is a bit rude. Especially since Jessica just had a visit from her mom and dad, so I am sure she's not going to be in the mood to hear that.

I'll probably try it tomorrow after I feed the cats.

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I ended up not feeding the cats, there were too many gunshots outside last night, I felt it was a bit risky also my mom is watching me like a hawk.

I kept learning Russian since I was told I should. Also, it is a familiar thing for me to spend countless hours to learn a language. I am not particularly fond of Russian, but the action of learning has always been enjoyable for me. Also I was always interested in being a polyglot. It was a long lost dream I had before the overwhelming development of AI. It makes me feel horrible seeing people talking to AI generated scripts that sound more human that humans nowadays. It is almost as if our ability to voice our opinions

I think I have lost my mind completely. I really don't know what I am doing but I also know that Linda is a hating ho so I shouldn't give her too much weight with that.

I feel like I am putting him in a spiritual prison. There is a guilt there but I feel like it is also partially mine as well. Being a guard in the jail is no better than being a prisoner.

My freedom is writing. It always was one of my outlets. Languages have always been my interest. I did think the hard sciences were admirable but never my field.

I am still thinking about Y. Maybe I need to get away to somewhere else. If you keep your mind on him, he won't ever go away.

We do need to keep promises, it can't be a constant negotiation. I know he doesn't really believe that. Am I the one who plateau'd or did he? I guess it comes around by age. I don't feel like I can control him. I think we both appreciate out freedoms too much and it wouldn't be a good match.