Actions and Consequences

I know that he doesn't want to be with me. I asked him if he was in the town I was just in, on his motorcycle, on the side of the road. A part of me wanted to jump out of the car I was in and run to him. That was how sure I was; it was just a glimpse, just in the eyes. Imagine me just rolling down the highway towards him. Later on I asked him if he was in the area that day and he confirmed it. He isn't even lying about following me.

I'm reminded of when we first drove in his car together down a residential road, "Please, don't do that."

Now I am in the car, down a forestry road, listening to random foreign house music with a man I am not entirely sure is sane. The feral energy contained in his calm demeanor. The hunter like eyes that would close when he would look at me. I halfway think this is some sort of set up, especially going down the winding roads, passing by all the horses on the way up. I don't know why I gave him my anxiety medication, I guess I was panicked enough for the both of us. His erratic behavior he messaged me in the middle of the night asking about it afterwards.

" Why are you so weird? " 1:56am.

"Well sir, you're the one who left your Gucci sunglasses on top of the trashcan." Now.

I asked him about the scar on his neck. " It's just a birthmark. "... I am pretty sure I recognize a scar. I have been around them all my life. Eating sunflower seeds and scattering them out the window. I probably didn't understand everything at the time, but it was just me in the car eating some sunflower seeds with a guy I fucked in front of the church just some weeks prior.

That day I was very tempted to take his offer, "Would you just stay with me for a month?" I actually packed up all my stuff and was ready to just go, but I prevented myself from similar folly as before. Also since there is a significant language barrier or, communication barrier to say the least, I know I am playing with fire.

I joked I was from the Lyran star system as I danced to Alan Walker, because of the formation of birthmarks on my arm.

I was all just talk, I don't know how much sincerity was left in the discussion. The charade of having fun, knowing all the darkness was outside. I felt like if I stayed in the car everything would be fine.

We did eventually get out to go to the lakeside. It reminded me so much of my dad. I missed him in that moment. Holding on to this man, getting all the sand in our hair. He just waddled over to the water.

He keeps asking me to marry him, sort of bluntly. I feel like the only reason would be to get some sort of basic health care which he desperately needs. Or some sort of other nefarious reason.

The algorithm keeps playing stoicism videos on my Youtube which tortures me thinking about my ex. Maybe it isn't his philosophies, but maybe a lesson that he taught me.

Whatever it was I guess it was just something I was supposed to go through. Too many are fucking me over and I can't handle it for too much longer. I hate all this stuff going on but I guess writing is the only outlet I have right now.