One moment in time can last a lifetime

A few days ago as I was driving through town my youngest son who was riding with me told my oldest grandson who was in the back a fond memory. He shared with him how there used to be a yearly fair in the parking lot of the local civic center. My husband and I had taken the children every year until they got older. When they became teens they would walk to the fair with their friends.

As my son and grandson were talking I recalled something that had taken place 24 years prior. I did not mention it while driving but later shared it with my oldest two children. They agreed it was pretty bad and never should have happened to me. My daughter considered it as domestic abuse but I don't see it the same way. I actually can look back and laugh at it although I know that others would agree that it is cringeworthy. Looking back on this one day in time I realized how fortunate I was to have escaped serious harm. I also have a newfound empathy for women who are willing to risk all for their children.

My embarrassing moment took place one Sunday in July of 1997. During this time my husband was battling an addiction to crack cocaine. After being clean for a long time he had been fighting the urge to use that came on him strongly the night before. On Sunday my plans were to go to church then pick up my children from my mother's home and take them to the yearly fair that was in the parking lot of a neighboring town about 7 miles away.

My good-natured, mild-mannered spouse woke up that morning and seemed to have morphed into a demon. He snapped at me during breakfast and I could tell something was wrong. At about 10:00 he announced that he was not going to church and asked me to loan him $20.00 until his payday. I refused, saying I needed my money for the children to spend at the fair. I actually had more than enough money and did not desire to enable him to get high. I dressed for church but when I tried to go out of the front door I found that both the regular lock and the deadbolt were engaged. I went into the kitchen and found that the same was true of the back door.

In this house, you locked the deadbolts from inside with and outside with a key. I knew instantly what was going on and that I had a decision to make. I could call 911 and have the police show up but in this current frame of mind, my husband might do something to make them shoot him. I did not desire his injury or death to be at my hands. If I tried to reason with him we began to argue and if it got loud the neighbors might call the police. All I wanted to do was have my husband go with me to take our 3 children to the fair.

My brain's manner of processing things kept me from focusing on the situation that was at hand. I knew the person I was dealing with in this moment was not my husband whom my grandma always said was quiet as a mouse. I never felt afraid, however, but only annoyed. My spidey senses were telling me this was simply a ploy to obtain the $20.00. My spouse had never done anything like this before and I was praying this would not be our new normal. I thought about my children waiting at grandma's house eagerly anticipating going to the fair. They had no idea what I was enduring just to get to them and let them enjoy a day of fun.

Financial issues due to layoffs had caused me to not be able to do a lot of things that I desired to with and for my children over the years. This was one thing that my husband and I planned for and were able to do each summer along with taking them to the local fair my son had spoken about. My sole focus was on not disappointing them and going to the fair as we had planned. I made a decision that those in Alcoholics Anonymus and Narcotics Anonymous would say was the wrong one but I have learned in this life that one must do what they believe is best for themselves. I gave my husband the $20.00 and he went out the door.

He was back within an hour and it was as if none of the earlier part o the morning had ever happened. It was too late to go to church so I began dressing for the fair. We picked up the children at 2:00 and one of their friends came along. We had a memorable time at the fair and one particular incident sticks out to this day. As we walked past a clown who was guessing people's weight and shouting for people to come over. He called out to us and referred to my spouse as the bald guy and we all had a good laugh.

My children and their friend had a ball at the fair that day and I felt it was worth my $20.00 sacrifice. My husband and I never spoke of that morning again and life went on as usual. My daughter who experienced the trauma of actual domestic abuse was stunned to hear this tale. She said that it actually qualifies me as being domestically abused even though I was not verbally assaulted or physically hurt. My firstborn told me that this never should have happened and that I paid a high price in order to take them to the fair. I can hear all the readers who agree with this and believe I should have handled things in a different manner and that is their right.

Those who have had the misfortune to have lived with an addict or alcoholic will understand the need to just get things back to normal. I don't see my decision in that cringe-worthy moment as enabling my husband to get high. I saw it as an opportunity to empower myself to have things go my way and they did. I was able to take my children to the fair and we all had a memorable afternoon. When my husband got paid the next week he not only repaid the $20.00 but gave me some extra money as well so I see this as a win-win. Some would say I was manipulated but I see it as me manipulating the situation to obtain the outcome I desired.

Looking back I am both embarrassed that I was ever in such a predicament but also glad that my children were able to enjoy their day and never had to know until know what I went through to give them that moment in time. My husband passed away 3 weeks ago and thankfully this story is not the totality of our relationship. We enjoyed a total of 45 years together and there are so many wondering memories to share. All marriages have their bumps in the road and humiliating moments. This happens to be one of mine.

There are parents who died pushing their children out of harm's way or worked excessive hours in order to purchase something nice for a child. I have heard mothers say they went without descent clothing in order to feed and clothe their children. I believe my mother's instinct kicked in that day 24 years ago and led me to make the right decision although others may disagree. My daughter and her two brothers enjoyed many more fun times with their father and me over the years. Now that he has passed away this is more meaningful than ever. They say hindsight is 20/20 so looking back I do admit that what I was actually doing was functioning in the midst of disfunction and that still brings some embarrassment.