Private humiliation is the worst

I have shared several stories where I was humiliated in public but there is one situation that I brought on myself. I cannot go back and change it but I share so that others may glean from my youthful mistake. When I was in the 8th grade I was 5 foot 1 and weighed about 90 pounds. I was pencil thin and flat-chested and that is truth and not self-depreciation. I had just begun my monthly period while most girls experienced their flow at age 11. I felt different and was shy and quiet and teased a lot.

During gym class, there were 6 other African American girls and they were all very skilled in athletics and I was a novice. I began to wonder why I was different and stood out like a sore thumb. As Spring neared I knew it would soon be time for the events where students received certificates for their achievements at the end of the semester. Most of the black girls in my PE class had won various awards during 7th grade and I was sure they would do so again.

When the time came I did my best but just was not good enough at anything to win until it came to the bar hang. This is where you pulled up on a tall bar and stayed in that position as long as you could. On this day as I hung there, I could hear the chatter around me. My classmates began saying that I was doing good and might win. Several of the black students snickered and said they could not believe that I could be the winner. As I was holding on I saw a vision of my walking down the auditorium aisle to receive my certificate and it was not a pleasant one.

nI envisioned students sticking out their feet to trip me and others laughing or throwing spitballs as I walked by. Instead of clapping and celebrating my accomplishment, I would be ridiculed if I won and I made a bad decision. At that moment, out of fear of perceived embarrassment and humiliation, I jumped down and another girl had the winning record for the bar hang. I was not mature enough to accept that I could indeed achieve something and was afraid of the aftermath. I was embarrassed about what I assumed might take place and could not handle it. I was too afraid to take the chance and then find out I was right.

I began beating myself up over this situation and later, everyone I shared it with told me that winning would have been a great ego boost, even if I were ridiculed by some. I would have had my certificate as proof that I was a winner and I have told myself this same thing many times as the decades have gone by. If you have never been teased and embarrassed in front of others my decision that day will not make sense to you but several things that happened in later years confirmed that I would have been violated instead of celebrated had I won.

During 9th grade, we were voting in homeroom class for the homecoming queen. Later in the day, a boy named Ronald who I did not even know that well stood up when the teacher left the room and announced; "Somebody" nominated Cheryl Jones (my maiden name) in my homeroom." The implication was clear that he was implying that I was a loser and not worth nominating. Thankfully he did not get the response he was seeking. This young man was of course black and this is where all of my troubles came from, my own race. The white students had no problem with me and ignored his insinuation. Even so, I felt like I had been stood up in front o the class and everyone was pointing a finger at me.

I could not, however, be thankful that his plan did not work as I was too embarrassed that he even made the attempt. I realized that out of all the girls nominated that day, I was the only one called out that way. This only confirmed that I made the right decision the previous year and had spared myself more humiliation. In my mind, this encounter validated my thinking that I would have been ridiculed if I had won the bar hang competition. To me, this was proof that I was seen as a loser and on that day although no one else agreed with this student, I felt the shame and embarrassement anyway.

Throughout my high school years, there were other occasions where I was teased that caused me to reflect upon my decision in 8th-grade gym class. I felt that at least in this one situation that I had controlled the narrative and prevented myself from being embarrassed. I had no control of the other encounters such as one that took place during senior year. I was eating in the cafeteria one afternoon when out of nowhere a girl seated at the other end of the row of tables stood up to carry her tray and trash to be disposed of.

She loudly announced, "Cheryl has a hickey, Cheryl's been fuc##ing". Thankfully everyone else kept eating and no one joined in with the ridicule. I was infuriated and I stood up and screamed that I wished people would leave me alone. I pointed out that no one else had their every move scrutinized, but the others who were eating paid m no more attention than they did to my tormentor. To think that I was watched that closely and every fiber of my being was annalized was troubling. Again I reflected upon 8th grade drama and saw that vision of being heckled as I walked to get my award and again when I was returning to my seat.

When you are treated this way it causes an inner shame that causes one to feel as if their name has been written on the bathroom stall or the back of the school bus. This inner embarrassment makes it seem as if everyone is talking about you and you become paranoid. Now as an adult my shame is based on the fact that I allowed the views of others to cheat me out of something that I legitimately could have won. This secret shame comes to mind every now and again and each time I feel so embarrassed that my entire countenance changes. In my mind, I see images of being a sucker and the village idiot. I wish I could go back and talk to the young me and tell her to not let the opinions of others stand in her way but I cannot.

I do realize and accept that I was not able to comprehend the situation fully as a shy 13 year old. I had no one encouraging me and was afraid to even address my humiliation with others. I am doing my best now to have no regrets by writing about it and no longer being ashamed. I am however processing that if I had won the bar hang, I would have had the satisfaction of knowing I had the certificate to prove my achievement. For that reason, I continue at times to say to myself "Stupid, stupid, stupid." I may always feel this way but at least I am making an effort to deal with it. If this story benefited you in any way please leave a tip which is always appreciated.