Of Course, I'm Depressed, I am Always Alone

I am mad that I am depressed. Want to know why? It's not my brain chemistry being messed up in spite of everything in my life going well and me being surrounded by loved ones. So, I feel like I can't fix it by going to therapy or taking medication. Neither of those things will change my situation.

The only social interaction I really get is at work. I should be sleeping right now, so I can be rested for work tomorrow but instead I am thinking about how the last person I spoke to was my coworker that gave me a ride home on Friday. Sure, I have no car right now because it is getting fixed and my being stranded is temporary. But, I still come to a dog and never a person I can actually converse with, share meals with, or do any fun activities with.

I do not do well in cities. Moving across the country to Salt Lake City on my own has shown me that. Exploring new areas by myself gives me major anxiety. So, you may be thinking you can do whatever you want by yourself and still enjoy your life. Even without a car, you can use public transport. But navigating a city like this by myself is terrifying to me. So, I usually stay home.

All I wanted tonight was ice cream. I'm not figuring out a bus schedule to get myself to an ice cream place, for 30 minutes of joy, using money I don't really have, alone. That's sad and not worth the energy. I certainly don't want to make it more expensive by getting someone to deliver it to me. But if I had a roommate, significant other, or any of my friends ever texted me back in a timely manner, I would have happily gotten ice cream.

This brings me back to my larger issue. I am alone in a city. I have a job I like, my bills are covered, and I have a little money to spend on things I enjoy, I have a dog, and I do have friends in Utah. But they all have busy lives with partners and accessible families and friends they have known longer than they have known me. They also deserve time to themselves and have their own problems. I am no one's first choice for anything. How do you expect someone to not be depressed when their status quo is loneliness?

No one even texts me first. I don't talk to anyone unless I start the conversation. It's always kind of been like that but at least until I moved here I either lived with my family or roommates. There was always something to do. If I wanted to talk to someone or do anything I just had to go to where they were in the house.

Now it feels like I don't even register as a thought to anyone I care about unless I am right in front of them. So, it feels like the solution to my depression is to see people and do things with them. Then I would be happy. Is that so odd? It's not being reliant on others for happiness if everyone in the world is a social creature and would naturally not be as happy if they never socialized or spoke to anyone. I don't like doing things alone but I don't see an end to my being alone. So, I continue not to do things and I am too stubborn to ask people if they want to do things. I have gone too long either being told "sorry, already have plans" or I get a response way after my desire to do the thing has faded, or I get no response at all. I'm not going to beg for friendship. I rather be alone in the safety of my apartment than either do things alone all the time and become the sad lonely guy people see in public or continue forcing connections with people and getting rejected. My depression is just a natural consequence of my circumstance. I have tried to "fix" it by looking for things to do but nothing is fun when you're doing it alone.

So, can you blame me?