Not all wounds can be seen from the outside.

The next time you feel the need to body shame a women, stop think, the impact that, that has on a women is long lasting, everyone has there own story, but truth is you don't actually know. the feelings she may be trying to burry with food. before I even realized i went from a size 10 to size 20.. before i knew it i was being teased for being "fat".. it wasn't till then that i actually stood back and had a look, i stepped on the scales and near cried, you see i wasn't use to being this size.. i didn't even realized i was that size, but before i could even start my weight loss journey i had to work on myself inside. (Iam not in no way saying bigger girls are not beautiful Iam saying i wasn't healthy because mentally i wasn't.) For me expecting change was just hard year prior i had gotten over the use of drugs my long term partner was in and out of prison. i was left raising three kids on my own, i went from having help to left living the plans made for two on my own. and at first i used gear to help me keep on top of my house, then i used for down time when kids went to sleep, then i needed just a top up to get the kids off to school, then i needed to keep up with work. before i knew it i was hardly using but i was on top of everything. Or so i thought. It wasn't until sitting and talking to my Aunty at how much i wasn't coping with any of my emotions, she didn't mean t0o but she triggered something i guess, and i found myself uncontrollably trying in car and the kids saying to me they were hungry and the fact i couldn't start the car without needing to settle down. That i knew i wasn't coping as well as i thought. it was then again reality was hitting again, i was alone.. and i wasn't quite on top of things like i thought. i got clean, but while getting i still had kids to raise and school run to attend to and work to be at. and i hadn't eaten so hunger hit.. and while eating i noticed i wasn't thinking. again that pain the overwhelming thoughts were still.. i guess that carried out for some time, and it wasn't until i was sitting in the car with my cousin and she was arguing with her boyfriend and i guess he needed proof that she was with me so she showed me on on video chat and his reply was "God your fat" just the reality of those words hit me.. i just thought how did i get this far? again that noise came running back to my head. while i sat and tried to think, it was hard it was like a gush of white noise to my head. the neglect i had gave myself, All the times i didn't want to sit and think about how i wasn't good enough for him, even though i put him before myself so many times. How my own mother didn't want me around her when i was a kid. how i used him to fill that void. How i thought having kids would make us a "real family" that kids would keep us busy. that he would be happy enough. We would be enough. But again i was left behind. this time i wanted to get well not for him, not for them but for me. i started walking, walking alone made me feel great i was doing something for me. i hadn't thought about me in so long, Iam still learning new things about me. But i smile a lot more now, it isn't a drug induced smile, Iam smiling because Iam seeing things a little clearer. Iam still not the weight i use to be but Iam closer then i was yesterday. just think about things the next time you may feel the need to put someone down. As the deeper wounds cant be seen. for me it was years of neglect, i was always avoiding feelings i didn't understand.