Up hill battle

This is me running, from myself, a disaster.

So here I am, attempting to understand myself hoping I'm not alone, not sure how to start as I know when I start I wont know how to shut up, I'm no writer or story teller this is just how I see things in my life.

falling in love, like all love stories it took me by surprise everything was amazing he was amazing, the love of my life.

but year by year he destroyed me, piece by piece I felt a little of me go, now this is when you call stupid because I didn't know then that, that was happing to me, its now sitting here ten years later that I feel empty clingy to whatever I feel I have left of him, me my kids. Its the lonely nights i lay there with him by my side and feel so lonely, its the no energy to talk to anyone so because of that I've lost connections with long term friends, family. i feel so stupid because i know all i need is get out, but how if he goes I'm that emptiness will grow, how can you give your all to someone and that literally not be enough, all i ever wanted was to be adored, love, emotionally be supported, i feel ripped off in so many ways. I've lost myself, now when i look in mirror all i see is a drained tired shall of a women, the only thing that gets me through each day are my children, the love of the saves me each day. i pray for the day i be free of his grip on me, i pray that he will no longer have control on me, most of all i just want knot in my chest to go away, freedom for me is not loving him no more.

I feel that the shortest way to express myself here is just to explain my feelings from all of the emotional abuse yes there's been physical abuse to too but what's left me empty is is the emotional side, knowing I'm now no good to no one because I'm to fucked up for anyone to love.

I'm hoping by the end of me throwing my life mess on screen it will help me find peace, for someone else to read and for it to fill there emptiness for a bit if your in a similar situation, us women, there's so much thrown at us, to look a certain way to act in such a matter to hold shit down for our shitty husbands (not all) I'm speaking for me, and other women in similar situations.

one minute where on top of the world got all our shit sorted looking pretty awesome, the next its ripped and your sitting there with a stranger wondering how the fuck are you going to work shit out, well i stupidly stayed longer thinking things are going to get better, probably the most smartest thing i did was take on my grandmothers advice, "she told not to rely on none" and in a rude way told me to get my shit together and to study while i had free time so i did i don't know why a distraction i guess but it felt good to be in control of my future again this was it i had a plan and it was falling into place again, i was okay with being alone, i had my kids and they were happy i felt good. So i had a plan my way out looked so easy...

Then my dad fell terribly sick, in no way am i blaming my dad its just the way my emotions run. my dad my number one the strongest person in the world to me, and i watched him nearly die! right in front of my eyes.

so this how it happen...

my dad worked on the railway he had done so since i was a kid, i guess as i grew older a tradition grew in place, when he would come home he would come visit me and the kids and we would have cook ups and beers, i assume this was like any other visit, but as dad got out of the car he was pale for a six foot man he stood very slump is the only word i think of, he tells me "i feel like shit" my reply " yeah you look it" anyway i suggest we get him look at doctor tells us looks like you have a chest infection, his medication, we let the medication settle in so i let dad take my bed which meant he had the kids to, which didn't faze him as he has six kids i think it gave him comfort. By morning though there was no improvement actually i would say he looked worse, i asked how he felt and he could barely to hold a sentence, i don't know why but i continued to get the kids ready for school, when i had come back from the school run dad was on my couch looking as white as a ghost i say to my dad we better just get you looked at the hospital, he hesitated, but i got him in car, on the way to the hospital he's asking me bizarre questions like "why are you on the wrong side of the road?" "where are going?" i knew had to get there quickly and that i had too keep him calm as his breathing was getting worse and there was no way i could carry him inside. when finally arrived he was so confused, thankfully the nurses were quick on there feet, as i started to get nervous and anxious.

This was when everything started to feel like everything was happing in fast forward motion, doctors asking for all his details which i know sounds crazy but i all of a sudden forgot! my mind went blank i guess that was my body going into defense mode, i felt as though i had ten different doctors asking me so many questions had me signing papers. in the end i just stated i don't know just do what you need to keep him alive, i know the doctors were just doing there job, but when they told me that they had to put my dad to sleep i freaked at this point i was still waiting for my nan to arrive she knows all those answers, the relief when i saw her face. by this time it was seven at night and we got the hospital at nine in the morning. it wasn't until after ten o'clock at night that i saw my dad again, the muscles from my legs turned to jelly as i saw all the tubes hanging out of my dads mouth off his chest, his body laying there life less, his unconscious mind. my head felt all dizzy as i stepped in and out reality, the sound of the machine still stuck in my head as i sat there for four weeks waiting for the nurses to give me some good news, my dad didn't settle to well in his induced coma he fought it, so he would wake up screaming at me in a whispery voice saying "help me!" reaching out for me i would feel so useless as there nothing i could do but pray, and try calm him down let him know i was there. the things your body goes through while machines are basically all that is keeping you alive, the arguments that come up with family, it all became to much i would sit and tell my dad i am not ready to say good bye that it wasn't his time, that there was so much i still needed him for, my best friend at times my only friend the one person who had seen me through all of my ups and downs and still not left my side, was on the verge of leaving this world all right in front of my eyes four weeks i watched him struggle, i watch his body go into shock and turn blue and pale and swell all most zombie like the nurses tell me say your good byes me clingy to the hospital bed so i don't hit the floor begging for his life how the hospital was so loud yet so quite. I would remember how i would have to pull myself together in my drive way yet to give my kids more disappointment of telling them night after night pop was still asleep.

In amongst dealing with a person who couldn't support me emotionally when i felt i needed him most he was the worst. another two weeks went by and the talk to try wake dad up again came up which meant turning the machines off to see if he could breath on his own watching this was gut wrenching but he did he came through they were going through all the tests they do but dads body wasn't ready this time so they induced him again.

again he fought the doubt began to sink in but i started praying another week past by and it was time for him to get woken up again this time it went well and all through his speech wasn't there yet his color was back which was a good sign and even though it took more weeks of mending dad learning to walk all over again and he's still not 100 per cent and its been months dads been home my emotions are still not i cant express myself i let a lot slide.

And now in my relationship i feel myself letting him take advantage of me and i don't know why all i know is right now no one can hate me more then i hate myself. something has changed in me i feel weak but bursting with anger, i feel i am strong but yet so weak. happy but so sad. dying but breathing. i guess you can call a state of limbo.

I apologize i know this may not make sense it is also all over the place but this is how it is on the daily for me right now.