Never Felt More Alone

When I was a teenager, I thought I would have the same friends for the rest of my life. I had a good run, but at 45, I cut all my toxic friends out. They were emotional vampires, who would take more than they gave. Finally, I had enough. Now, with no one to talk to and having a busy husband, I am left to feeling alone and invisible.

This morning, I have been dealing with an annoying issue with my ex-husband. I would love to have a friend to talk to about it and to vent about how I felt. Instead, I cried and felt alone.

I know I should just write in my personal diary about this, but you guys here are the closest thing I have to a BFF, so here it goes.

I had to watch him call me a slut, drug addict, and a spoiled brat. Of course, I am none of those things, but that he felt comfortable enough to talk to me in that way just infuriated me.

I know I could have handled it like most adults and posted to Facebook and whined about it. But here’s the thing, I can’t do that either, as he and his woman are stalking me.

In fact, they are stalking me on Twitter, Facebook, and on Medium. It’s just too much sometimes. I literally don’t bother him unless I have to speak to him. He blames me for everything wrong in his life. It’s just too much.

At what point do I consider what’s good for me? At what point do I decide to never speak to him out of respect for my own mental health?

I believe we are there now. I try to be nice. When that doesn’t work, I get mean and I dislike that. The worst part is he makes me hate myself. He makes me feel like a failure and I don’t think that’s true. Have I made mistakes? Yes, of course, but I try to be a good person every day.

I don’t want to see myself through his eyes anymore. I am more than my divorce. I am more than a mother. I am worthy of only interacting with people who respect me and not engaging with people who challenge my worth as a person.

The worst part is I have no real reason to contact him. I only did to call him out on claiming my daughter on his taxes. I should have let IRS figure it out and not opened the door for him to insult me. But I let my anger over his shady move control my emotions. I felt compelled to reach out to him. Perhaps, I was looking for an apology or some validation.

It isn’t my problem when he spreads lies about me. I don’t have to stand up for myself. I don’t need to clear anything up. The truth will come out, eventually.

Self care is so hard sometimes. It’s hard to tell yourself to stop giving attention to others when they clearly don’t deserve it. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to prove yourself and show people they are wrong. The only person you hurt is yourself.

I promise myself I will be my own best friend. I promise I won’t allow others the opportunity to hurt me, especially the people I know who want to inflict emotional pain. And in closing, I promise myself I will not let people occupy space in my head who don’t pay rent by fostering a healthy relationship with me.

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Originally published on Medium.