My Wife Gave Me A Snooze Job This Morning

I don't like mornings a whole lot. Never really have, and likely never really will.

Ain't gonna lie.

In fact, the first time I was ever considered a "morning person" is when I was 19 years old, in U.S. Army Bootcamp and had some mean as hell looking drill sergeant yelling at my tired brown butt to get outside for the morning run. So I was technically an unwilling participant in early morning routines that everyone says make you a better human.

And I hated every minute of that pre-dawn activity.

But that's no excuse to NOT have a morning routine.

You see, as much as I hate early mornings, they do have their benefits. And there are some great ways you can incorporate your morning routine into your writing process and get more done than you would without one. The only problem is this.

Everything I'm about to share is the exact opposite of what the closet swamis, goo-roo's, fanboys, 18-year-old life coaches, and even some Navy SEALS say to do.

And it works. Especially if you're a writer.

Now to be clear, I'm not anti-early rising. All I'm saying is that there's no need for that damn crack of dawn stuff and what you'll find is that I'm indeed uber routined. My routine just doesn't start with the roosters.

You see, as a writer, you're essentially a creator, and creators don't follow the herd. (read that again).

The fact of the matter is each new day brings new opportunities, and it's a chance to start fresh and do better, yadda-yadda. How you start your day, or more specifically how you spend those first few morning hours, has a significant impact on the rest of it. That part is true.

Think of those first waking hours as setting the tone for your entire day.

Ready to begin?

Get (or give) a morning snooze job

You wanna know a secret?

Some of my ABSOLUTE best mornings started with a slow, kind, and gentle snooze job.

Hear me out on this, ok? I'm sure you've experienced this yourself.

You set a wicked early wake-up time so that you can drink 16-oz of lemon water, meditate, journal, and then some easy yoga to start the day. You have every intention of getting it done because that's what Tony Robbins said to do in that YouTube video. So that alarm goes off, right on time, sun ain't even peeping the horizon.

And that's when it happens.

Your wife, boyfriend, he/she/him/they, or whatever millennials are calling themselves these days, rolls right over you and "SLAP!" Hits that snooze button. And you just lay there with a huge ass smile on your face and go with that simple, why doesn't this happen more often, pleasure.

Until there is another mean, tough-looking drill sergeant screaming at me, I honestly have no desire to rise early. And I'm as successful as I want to be, and then some.

Go ahead, get clock blocked.

Take-home lesson: there's nothing wrong with snoozing. Nothing. You've just been brainwashed into believing that it's a habit for lazy people. B.S.

Give yourself a thumb lashing

A writer should always know what's going on around them.

And that means checking your device. Your phone, holler box, Moshi-Moshi, or whatever the heck you call your phone. Before you even plant your feet on the ground.

Right off the bat, there are scores of life coaches who now have their chakras outta whack, are prolly screaming at their screen (and at me), telling you that this is the reason why we have gun violence.

Because you checked your phone first thing.

Yeah, yeah. Save your hugs for a tree because it's the first thing I do after that incredible morning snooze job. I check my emails, my D.M.'s and run through Twitter to see how my engagement was while I slept. They're called metrics, and I love to see mine before any other type of morning titillation.

Take-home lesson: have you tried it? Then don't knock it till you do. The stimulation I get from seeing metrics, stats, and replies from my work are almost like that first cup of coffee.

And that brings me to the next counterintuitive habit…

Caffeine helps me maintain my "never killed anyone" streak

It's true. I have yet to kill anyone, and at the same time, I have had copious amounts of coffee first thing in the morning. So there must be a correlation, right?

Look, if you wanna wake up and make a spirulina smoothie with Nepalese beet juice, knock yourself out.

This homie gets all kinda worked up when I smell that heavenly scent of freshly ground beans, the sound of hot Joe hitting my cup, and yes, the sensation of a warm mug in my hands. There is no substitute for a hot cup of jitter juice. Period.

Remember that story of me in the Army as a kid? You wanna guess what they put into every MRE (Meal Ready to Eat) that we rucked into to field? Yep.

Coffee.

Plus, if we're honest here, coffee is pretty synonymous with writers.

Ever sat in a Starbucks around 1 pm any day of the week?

I rest my case.

Take-home lesson: I've tried them all. Smoothies, Earl Grey tea, 16 ounces of lemon water, etc. Coffee is king for a reason. Don't mess with the king.

Do some anti-meditation

After a snooze job, checking stats, and a pint of brain juice, why would anyone wanna slow their mind down?

I'm in 5th gear by now, baby. And last time I sat still to feel my breath, find my center and balance my trinity, all I did was think about the client, the article, and even my favorite Lab that passed away when I was 10, and it brought me down. Down is not suitable for a person ready to take on the world.

Look, I get it. There is a time and a place to slow your roll, but when I'm ready to bolt into the day and break stuff (in a good way), I don't want slow. I want fuggin fast.

So do this.

Crank on some Metallica. Loud. And see what that does to some neural connections and your attitude.

Take-home lesson: there is peace in meditation. I'm not saying to not do it. Just not when you're ready to blast off.

The final word

Over the next seven days, hell, give it ten if you really want it; I want you to give these counterintuitive things a go.

As we've already established, they may feel "not right," but that's only because you've either never tried them or have been brainwashed into what all the other sheeple are doing. Right?

So try them. And pay attention to how to feel, how you are, how you perform each and every day. Not only do I believe you will enjoy your mornings more, but it will also make the entire rest of your day go much smoother.

And finally, while I do love mornings to the extent that it's a new day, the sun rises and each new dawn presents new opportunities, and you know, all that other touchy-feely mumbo jumbo that everybody and their guru writes about, I just don't wanna start it at o'dark thirty.

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