My mom never cut her umbilical cord

My mom might have put the most possible attention on me than any other mom in the world. I will totally fight you on this if you want to contest. She is the best example of helicopter mom. She could have given me a kiss every 2 min everyday while I was growing up = 100000000000000 kisses so far. I am not exaggerating. So, I didn't know till I turned 29 that I had 'Princess Syndrome'.

I will mention 3 incidents (among many) that I kept replaying over and over in my head:

A teacher in my 10th grade caught me talking and called me. I knew that it was the end of the world that time. He surely was going to punish me. But I still tried defending myself till the last minute. He yelled at me and before he finished, I went to my desperate-defense mode by saying (in low nervous voice) "the other girls are also talking sir". He was too angry to believe me and slapped me. I cried the entire day and many days after that (till last year). I was a compulsive talker (like my mom). It was such an insult for the princess to be slapped and I was in denial that I got slapped. Imagine a princess in an English movie getting slapped? I firmly believed that it was not my fault and spent many days replaying what it was like if I yelled back at him (and other similar replays).

I was 18. I walked in to a store with 500 rupees in my palm. When the salesman told that the cost of the cable was 500 rupees, I believed him. I was a shy and a nervous girl teenager. I was only thinking about getting the cable and nothing else. I gave him the money and walked out with the cable happily (without even asking for the official bill). I replayed this incident a million times too (with alternate realities). I just was in denial that I got cheated on. The princess cannot be cheated.

I kept replaying my breakup day over and over in my head. I was in denial that I broke up my with ex-boyfriend. I loved him deeply. I lacked empathy, I was thoughtless, and immature. I believed that the world should revolve around me. Obviously, nobody could stand me. But I was in denial that he didn't love me the way I did. Added to that, he started seeing someone. I would drink and call him every single time. Sometimes, I used to pretend that I was drunk only to hear his voice. He used to bully me and hang up. I couldn't contain my jealousy after I heard that he went on a trip with her for 3 days. I drank too much. When I called him, he didn't pick up. Then I texted him that I was going to die and tried to slit my wrist twice. Fortunately, the knife wasn't sharp enough. He then met me the next day for 5 min. He told "death is not the solution". His girl called him. He picked up and told that he would be with her soon. He totally didn't want to be there. I was happy for the next few months replaying those 5 mins over and over. I repeatedly texted him that I wanted to meet again but he never replied. I still was very jealous and in denial that he was gone. I wrote bad things about him and mailed his girl (in hopes that they would break up). When I heard that they didn't break up, I send another one. I once saw her across the road and didn't stop staring at her till she became uncomfortable. I basically harassed her.

This is what my teacher, salesman, ex-boyfriend and his new girlified could have thought about me:

From my teachers' perspective, I was a stubborn and a timid child and obviously, he didn't love me. He slapped me to discipline me (that was the only form of discipline he knew).

The salesman saw a timid girl holding a 500 rupee note. He made the best use of the opportunity.

Ex boyfriend could have been annoyed at the frequent texts and calls. He might have wanted me dead when he saw the letters. His girl would have seen me a stubborn and spiteful ex girlfriend.

But, in my head, I was the intelligent, friendly, social, and superior princess who never does anything wrong. I didn't even know that I was a horrible person and that the perspectives of the above mentioned people were accurate about me.

How I got out of the Princess Syndrome:

When I saw the way my ex-husband protected his puppy and scolded his friend, I realized that love is the only driving force in the universe. It was the EUREKA moment for me. In this world, there are two types of love: 1) love for self and 2) love for children (ignoring animals). People love themselves and their kids (if they have any). In any Walmart store, I see random people. I obviously don't love any of them. Then, why was I expecting love from random people? To phrase better, why was I expecting the other people to treat me as a Princess? Why did I feel that the teacher should give special consideration only for me? Why did I feel that my ex boyfriend would continue to love me? Why did I feel that it is okay to harass that poor girl? I google searched and self-diagnosed myself as 'living with the Princess Syndrome'. I had every characteristic of the Princess Syndrome. My mom gave me too much attention that I started believing the world would do anything for me like mom does to me.

Here are two incidents with mom (out of many) to give you an idea about her.

Anytime I narrate an unpleasant incident to my mom, she too goes to 'denial mode' and yells at me 'may be you make yourself easily available to be his pray unlike other kids'. She just couldn't take it that her daughter got hit while the other children got spared. She only wants the best things to happen to her daughter (not the second best). She couldn't also take it even when one child outperformed me at school in a class of 40 students. So, when I got 89.6% in my 10th grade, mom was so unhappy and is still (till date) in denial that her daughter didn't top the school. She expressed her unhappiness by yelling constantly (every 5 min, everyday), repeatedly asking the same question again and again (irrespective of my answer), disbelieving me, thought that the only reason I couldn't get the grades she wanted was because I didn't study well enough, and brought up other non related incidents to intensify the scolding. She just couldn't take it. She just couldn't take it. She just couldn't take it that other kids could do better than her daughter and is always obsessed and occupied with it. She always compared my grades and when the other kid gets worse grades, she would brag right on the kid's and the parent's face. She is very thoughtless and all she sees in the world is ME. So, on that particular day, these are some of the thoughtless things she said: why is Manasa (an underperforming child) your friend, you never used to talk to people who underperform before?, I didn't take you to my hometown as you told that the school isn't good (in reality, it was her idea to not let me study in that school, but she lied to intensity the volatile situation I was in), my dreams got collapsed because of your friendship with Manasa, you don't respect your step-father because you are arrogant, 'though your grades are low, your ego isn't low', the neighboring man said "she became spoilt after she got the bike" (she told his very happily. She is so mean. He actually misunderstood 90% as 70%). She brought up an unrelated and unpleasant incident from my past. She compared my grades with my best friends' grades (from my old school) and told "I brought you to this new place thinking your grades will be better, but you got worse grades than them". She was such a liar. She didn't bring me to the new place for my studies. She brought me there because she switched jobs. Plus, my two best friends got 89.8% and 90% which were hardly above my grade. She used everything she knew and manipulated it. She didn't even think that it was inappropriate to create twisted stories. She only thought that the more intense and rude she was, the better my future grades would get. Other parents scold their kids only if it is the kid's fault. Mom manipulated and scolded me for anything and everything irrespective of whether it was my fault. She believed scolding was a process of purifying the child. In her head, she was the BEST MOM and she never admitted anything was her fault. Basically, she felt the compulsion to create big messy dramas because of her responsibility as a mother. She does anything to get her daughter's grades up. But she doesn't know where to stop. She goes to any extent as she feels that studies are life. Bad grades mean the end of the world for her. She doesn't know the damage she is doing to her daughter. I didn't also know what she hoped to accomplish by repeatedly asking me the same question over and over again ("Why are your grades low?") for whichever answer I tell. When I told her that I wasn't getting enough time, she asked (in denial) how the other kids were able to get better grades. May be, they are smarter. I fucking don't know. Then, within 5 minutes, she asked the same question again "Why are your grades low?". She never tried getting me a tutor or help. All she did was ask me the same question repeatedly. She called me “ugly” several times. No mother in this entire world will have the heart to call her own daughter ugly. Mom is a monster.

She doesn't just stop with verbal torture. She gives too many ugly face expressions. She hits too. Once, I yelled back at her after her repeated "Why are your grades low"? and locked myself in my room. She banged and kicked on the door for 30 minutes while cursing me. She then turned off the electricity mains so that I had no light in the room. When I opened the door, she slapped me. I slapped her back. Then she informed her dad "daddy, she is hitting me" in a complaining tone like a small child. She slapped me again. I slapped her back again. My grandpa was very angry and told mom "think that you don't have a child anymore, send her to her dad". Grandpa clearly couldn't see the trauma I was facing. In his principles, a mom is never wrong. Then mom made up "she won't hesitate to hit you too". I nervously nodded "no". I knew that she was unnecessarily hitting me. So, I felt compelled to slap her. I only thought that two wrongs make it right. I desperately wanted to get out of there before anything bad happened. My mom was too insulted with the slap that she got compelled to say manipulative things. She basically used everything against me to satisfy her ego. She was so cunning. Grandma walked in and bolted the door. Mom told that she wouldn't let me go to school. Then I was begging mom. I didn't want to beg her. I actually wanted to break her legs. I unknowingly played 'the timid child' drama. I was basically trying all 'escapism' tactics I knew. I felt compelled to get out of there ASAP. Then grandma told that a brat like me shouldn't go to school. She used a dialogue from an old movie. She was being mean. Then I used my second 'escapism' strategy. I touched mom's feet desperate to get her to open the door. It was so toxic in there. Then my mom asked me to touch grandma's feet as well. She was exploiting the situation. I don't know what they thought they accomplished? What is it that they wanted me to change? Did they successfully get me to change? No, I had more vengeance for them after that but never accepted fault. In this particular situation, I still don't think that it was my fault to yell at mom, or lock myself in, or slap mom. She deserved it. Grandpa was holding me against the wall in the duration mom was getting ready. Why? What if I go walking? I told that I would go walking and somehow got out of grandpa's hold. Grandma pushed me on the couch and held me tight. The moment mom opened the door, I ran away through the door as fast as I could. I cried on the way to school and for 2 class periods. I soooo wanted to get out of the toxic place desperately. The only way I got out was by begging desperately. I was ready to do anything and everything to get out of there. This was pretty much the life I knew.

I developed all the above mentioned qualities of mom in me. The two most devastating of all are 'thoughtlessness' and 'compulsiveness'. Because I was a princess, I thought that other people would be as concerned for me like mom. I overshared my updates with 'friends' (acquaintances). I held self-centered conversations. I hardly had friends as I was mean. I never put others' needs above mine. I was very selfish and stubborn. I was only a taker and not a giver. I used to quit at mild inconvenience. I walked out several times from a yoga class within 5 minutes. I used to play desperate to get my things done even at the cost of loosing my self respect (by repeatedly following up, by asking the same favor from many people at the same time, by acting like I was in a hurry) and as soon as I get my things done, I forget all the help and ordeal. Only, finishing the task at hand at any cost was what I highly cared about. I never felt guilty or ashamed for the ordeal I put the other people through. In short, I never realized that I was a horrible person.

My friends (rather acquaintances) thought that I think too much about my past (divorced parents, mom's ill-treatment, toxic episodes with step-father) and live in the past. They were giving suggestions like "you should put the past behind to go ahead". I knew there was something else. There could be some other reason why the negative incidents keep replaying in my head all the time. At first, I thought that it was depression. I found out last month that the reason for the replay was PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I found all the answers to my questions after realizing that I had princess syndrome and PTSD. I admitted fault and forgave my teacher. I realized that it was my fault to hold the 500 rupees visibly and not checking the bill. I realized that I was blinded my jealousy and that I was evil. Replaying has stopped and I am at peace. I admit my faults and I am going to apologize to everybody I hurt.

On contrary, my mom (who definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder) thinks highly about herself and never admits anything is her fault. She never thought that she annoyed me or others. With the self awareness I have now, I know that I shouldn't be angry on her for ruining 29 years of my life. It isn't her fault that she has a personality disorder. If I blame her, I should be blaming my grandmother too. The blame game is endless.

Lessons learnt from mom:

a) Princess Syndrome (unintentionally)

b) Getting good grades and a high paying job should be the only thought in mind.

c) Friends are not important, movies are a waste of time, having a romantic partner is out of the question (but you should get married through an arranged marriage), and being in a position to show off to others is what life is all about.

How they shaped me:

a) As described in detail above, because of my princess syndrome, nobody liked me. Many felt that I was crazy or immature.

b) I did masters in Math (with a 3.9 cgpa) and I get a decent pay.

c) I lost my ex-boyfriend. I used to talk to people only when I needed them. I never socialized. I never made myself available for birthday parties or movies. I developed a compulsion to study all the time (even when I finish the syllabus before time). I developed another compulsion to boast about myself and my accomplishments.

In what ways am I thankful to my mom?

She compulsively scolded me repeatedly after I stole a pencil when I was 8 years old. I never stole anything else from that day. I learnt the lesson. This is the only positive influence of her on me.

Finally,

I am so messed up. I don’t know where to start. Every activity is traumatizing me. I am not sure I will ever get cured.