My First Pregnancy

Here we are.

You probably clicked this wondering, what in the world does that mean? Well, I meant exactly that. Now, I wasn't forced against my will to carry my baby. I just knew it was something I only half wanted at the time. The reason I say 'half wanted' is because this baby is from a relationship that hasn't even been 1 year; that anyone will consider a toxic relationship when I tell them how we argue and how he is when he's angry/drunk angry. I also say 'half wanted' because I don't feel we're both financially ready. I also say 'half wanted' because I wanted to be done with my school and be married before I carried half of someone's child.

I also never saw myself ever having a child... Actually none of my friends, family or people who knew me ever imagined me having a child.

My sister (who's a year younger than me) got marriend before me, and also had a child before me. Which I always told her how I'll be the rich aunt who travels.

Now you're probably thinking "so why didn't you just get an abortion?" because at first I was in denial. I thought my first trimester sickness (no throwing up, just nausea, headaches, and a mild cold) was COVID, but when it came out negative the boyfriend and I chose to travel to Seattle, WA as a way to try and get closer and have a more loving relationship together. Of course that did not exactly lead to that, since shortly after we got back, we got into another bad fight that actually got us very close to actually breaking up. During the time we were away and came back, both my sister and my supervisor at work (who I've gotten personally close with) tried to convince me to take a pregnancy test. I figured they're were being a bit too dramatic, but I also figured why not.

Late August 2021-- As I'm sitting on the toilet reading emails from the boyfriend (I block him and he emails me to continue the drama), I decide to take out my box of pregnancy tests. I had two types, one that tests the HCG levels in my urine, and the other tradtional yes/no, 2 lines/1 line. I decided it was time to go along with my over thinking sister and supervisor's idea. I took two HCG tests and one traditional. All three were positive. Now... I think I should confess that this tests were about 1.5 years old. I've had them since I was with my ex; hence, why I was in denial.

September 2021-- I waited another week and a half before actually telling anyone. I took the same tests again and it still came out positive, at this point, I told my sister and my boyfriend. I then tell my parents, which I was really worried about since they're starting to question my relationship with the boyfriend. I tell them that I'm not sure if I want to keep it, and that I also made an appointment at Planned Parenthood just to verify the pregnancy. Once my mom reads that I'm not sure I want to keep the baby, she panics and calls me telling me that she doesn't want me to feel like she doesn't want me to keep the baby just because I'm not married yet. She tries to assure me that everything will be okay, basically saying don't get an abortion. I tell her I'll think about it, and see how Planned Parenthood goes. My sister then tells me later that our mom feels that I'm going to PP to get an abortion. Fast forward to PP verifying that I was in fact pregnant, I felt the lower half of my body sink into the clinic bed. The nurses tell me I'm around 10 weeks at the time, but they couldn't know for sure because they couldn't do an ultrasound. They then asked what I wanted to do: keep it or terminate it. I couldn't really think, so I quickly said I'll keep it just so I can leave and process it. They gave me a form that verified my pregnancy with my estimated due date. I took a picture of it and sent it to my family's group chat, where my family showed excitement, and my mom telling me herself that she thought I was going to PP for an abortion.

At this point, I became scared. There was alot going through my mind. I kept thinking about the times (twice) I got a miscarriage with my ex of 8.5 years. I thought, what if this is the only chance I'll get. How would I feel about it after a few years if I actually wanted to carry a child. A toxic thought also occured in my head. Which was "what if this would make our relationship better?" Of course I know how crazy that is. How sad and pathetic it sounds. I did have a friend who I first told and she assures me that everything will be okay, and that she'll help me get to Planned Parenthood if I choose to have an abortion. Keep in mind that this friend does not like the current boyfriend, as she finds him extremely toxic and undeserving of me. I tell her that I'll let her know. After a week I decided to just keep it. I also ended up telling my supervisor about it.

Now that I decided to keep it I had alot of worrying thoughts running through my head to prepare for the baby. First, insurance. Since I opted out of my work's insurance so I can get the full hourly pay and because I was still under my dad's insurance at the time I started working there, I wasn't exactly insured at this life changing time. I had just turned 26, another reason why I 'half wanted' the pregnancy. I felt so unready and so stressed over it already. My sister tells me to just apply for Medi-Cal, which by the way took them 5-6 months to get me approved because their communication sucked. Second, I had to start trying to figure out where I should find an OBGYN clinic. My mom helped me with that. She tells me about a clinic (I'm not going to mention) that would take care of me while I don't have insurance, among other things. That came out to be true. I managed to get a temporary Medi-Cal with them, signed up for classes for first time moms, and even got a mini babyshower where I got alot of donations and help with baby stuff.

After a while things were going as normal as possible with work and socially, but that didn't last very long. Since I started getting bigger it was getting harder and harder for me to walk, and my job includes alot of walking. You might think that's a good thing for someone who's pregnant, but these walks were the stressed out hurrying kind of walks. Sometimes I found my self fast walking or even light running. At one point I was pushing a heavy person on a wheelchair up an inlcine. Even just standing made it difficult that I couldn't even find relief in sitting for a minute. I also reached a point where I guess I was doing too much stress walking and standing. I started getting nagged at by my coworkers for lifiting or just moving bags that were 15-20lbs, even though my written limit was 30lbs from my old OBGYN. Which I found crazy because no one had said anything until I was 3 months or showing a little more through my work clothes. Because I was lifting/pulling/dragging up to 40lbs in my first trimester. I even pushed that person on the wheelchair who was for sure alot heavier than 30lbs. I suppose I should be thankful I was working with people who were willing to look out for me. Although, I didn't appreciate being called lazy once I started asking to just stay at a certain post to avoid all the stress walking. Even as a joke.

Actually, that became a common occurance (or joke) at work. Especially comming from my supervisor and other coworkers. It started to feel like they saw me as lazy, and non-hardworking compared to how I was before because I wasn't willing to do everything anymore. There were also times I'd call off twice a month on different weeks because I wasn't feeling good.

Though, I did have coworkers who never saw me lazy or anything different. Who understood I was trying my best, and praised me on how much I could still do. Those same coworkers also even planned a surprise baby shower for me. Which honestly really touched my heart because I've never had that many people care about me enough to plan something for a whole month just for me.

Throughout my entire pregnancy I experienced headaches, nausea, and developed a really bad skin rash/eczema on my ankles and lower back. I was not at all comfortable with my skin, and weight. Despite many people saying I don't look pregnant until they see my entire body or when I turn around.

These experiences at work, financially and physically made me feel so much regret about carrying my baby.

Here's another kicker: February 2022-- Once my Medi-Cal was approved, I was told I had to find a different clinic because the one I started with could no longer keep me since it was approved at my 30th week. The clinic I had already gotten comfortable with told me from the beginning that they only take low-risk patients. At this point I was a high risk since I would be "starting" with them at 30 weeks. It took about 2-3 more weeks to get my insurance and PCP, but I had to change that asap because they also couldn't take me due to being a high risk.

I consider myself a very calm and understanding person towards people who are just doing their job. Until of course I start to feel like they're disrespecting and condescending me because of how nice I sound. I called my new insurance about 3 times. 1st time, the guy is already coming off pretty arrogant. Almost like I was another dumb customer calling him about something so easy to deal with. Well, when I followed his advice, I was told to call my insurance again because the current PCP couldn't take me. I called again, but this time a woman answered and help me. Boy did she really help me. She took her time with everything, tried to work everything out for me. She stayed on the phone with me for almost an hour... or maybe it was an hour. Either way, I had to end my phone call with her so I can try and call the new PCP she was trying to assign me to, and the one I asked for. Then I was to call the insurance back again to verify that I got to change my PCP and set up my insurance start time for that month so I didn't have to wait until the next month. Considering I was high risk at this point already. When I called my insurance back, who would I get again? Not the helpful agent I got the second time, but the male agent who seemed to think he's too smart to be working for idiot clients. I explained to him as nicely and calmly as possible about what the previous agent and I talked about and what she would help me with (in hopes that maybe he could just transfer me to her). I tell him that I needed to change my PCP and have it start that current month because I am pregnant. The agent proceeds to arrogantly and ignoranlty tell me that it doesn't matter what the previous agent said and promised me, that's not what they can do. I explain to him the situation again, adding that I understand it's an odd situation, but I needed him to reconsider. I repeated I was pregnant, and a high risk. He then asked why I'm considered high risk by my currently assigned PCP, I tell him that since I'm currently 30 weeks now, alot of OBGYN clinics cannot accept me. He then states "you should have led with that." and "you never mentioned that before." Granted, he was right about mentioning how many weeks I was, but I figured if the previous agent saw and understood the situation when I told her without having to explain I was 30 weeks at the time, I figured it would make sense to him too. After a while, he assures me that he's made the change and it should be in affect now. I thank him and call back the clinic, they advise me that it still hasn't shown up on their system and to just call back tomorrow or in 2-3 days.

I called back the following day in hopes that it went through early, but they advised that nothing was showing up. So I called 3 days later, and they confirmed I was in their system, but I had to be seen by the PCP first and then request to be referred to an OBGYN in-network. So more waiting. I was seen by the PCP the following week, but didn't get the referral until 2 and a half weeks later. Didn't get to my appointment until a week and a half after calling to set up an appointment as soon as I got my referral.

March 2022-- Fast forward to my appointment, they assured me that they'll be taking care of me from here on out. Since I was missing alot of blood work, I would be coming in every week for a check up. Though I would be going back that same week for my glucose test. Yes, the test I should have gotten earlier.

After all of that, everything slowly started relaxing. My only stresses were what I'm suppose to have ready for the big day.

Although, what still sits in the back of my head, and what probably makes me feel like I only 'half wanted' this pregnancy is if I'm going to be a good mom. If I'm going to give him a good life. If I'll be able to finish my school, or if my boyfriend and I will manage to find better paying jobs with good hours.

How will he be when he grows up?

Did I handle my pregnancy right? Did I do anything that risked his low term health?

How attached will I be? Will he be attached to me?

Is my boyfriend going to go back to his old self once he's born?

Will I ever get my body or leg skin back?

April 2022-- I'm still not sure if it's the people pleaser in me that made me decide on carrying the baby, but deep down I still feel some type of regret. I just hope things will clear up once he arrives... in a week or so.