My Birthday Wasn't So Scary

I'm not unique in my experiences or even my fear of my birthday. It's not really related to the whole aging thing in terms of being scared of walking that tight rope before the inevitable plunge, but it does have to do with looking up and realizing another year has gone by and I'm right where I was before it started. That, and the fact that I've been pretty alone for a few of my birthdays and this past one was no different.

I like being alone. Truly, I do. And I'm not really a "center of attention" kind of person unless I have to be (presentations, getting the party started then disappearing into the darkness, y'know), but it was something sad about knowing I didn't even have a friend to hangout with or to text/call me. I also knew I was in an area where there wasn't anything to do that I haven't exhuasted already.

So, I was pretty bummed out to say the least.

The entire 12 days and nights before my birthday I sat up, unable to sleep, and forced myself to run more to relieve some stress.

Alas, the day came.

And I figured I'd either lounge around and cry, or get myself to make a pie and go to the bookstore at least.

Family called and texted. And I got up in the afternoon to try my hand at baking and making two kinds of pies: pizza, and potato.

Then, someone came in and ruined the uh... "vibes," so I decided I needed to get out of the apartment and try my best at making myself feel good about being alone.

I realized there were movies to see, and I actually hadn't been in a movie theatre since before covid hit. So, I went to see The Beast (after a loooot of hesitation and even asking my mother if I should spend that $. She convinced me it'd be nice to at least go somewhere I don't normally go). And I was pleasantly surprised. It was a weekday, and before most people made it home after work/school, so I was all alone there. Shouts out to the cashier that took my ID because I never have that happen to me, and for wishing me a happy birthday.

I was able to type on my phone while I watched the movie and found it to be not so bad. Dang near comical by the end though. But, you can read all about that here.

Afterwards, I did feel good. I went to see a movie (I love watching movies even if they suck), got something done that brought me joy (writing), all alone on my birthday...and I lived. Just like any other day. Andd no one laughed or judged me, that I know of.

Then, I went to the bookstore that I hadn't been to in a while. I bought books that were recommended, and I do regret those purchases as I've never had a hard time finding what I loved, but I like asking for recs. Unfortunately, I'm bad at not purchasing the recs even if they aren't what I'd like. But, hey, I got some nice convos out of the trip.

I figured I needed a ball for some reason and took a trip to Dick's, another place I haven't bought anything in a bit (longer than the theatre since I rarely need sporting stuff). I don't know when I'll use this ball, but I'm glad it's taking up the corner in my room.

To top it off, I went to dinner. I was gonna eat in but realized how dark it was and how loud it was. So, I settled on to go. I'm not usually scared of eating alone, but sometimes it is hard...and that day it felt hard due to loneliness.

Asked for a veggie burger, fries and dessert and they gave me a burger, fries and dessert. I tried checking the burger outside due to my nerves winning. I told myself nothing was wrong with it, but I'm always scared of ordering a veggie burger but actually getting a meat one. Since it was dark, I couldn't tell and went to the apartment.

I got inside. Showered. And prepared for the feast.

I looked over the burger and it definitely looked on the meatier side, but I've been fooled before only for my meat eater housemate to be like

"nah, that's def veggie. Ew."

So, I took a small bi--nope, definitely meat. Usually if I'm scared I'd break it a bit just in case, but I was really trying to be calm and not let my thoughts get the best of me. Only to finally be proven right. So, I broke it apart to confirm it. I don't remember swallowing the burger, but when I went to confirm it with my housemate who brushed me off at first, but then saw I was panicking, and then took a bite...I suddenly had it in my mouth to spit it out.

So, I had to call the place. This wasn't just a little hard burger or soggy fries, this was something I needed my money back on. I hate calling and asking for refunds or complaining. I spook to them without messing up! And we got it handled respectfully, and in no time. So, I wasn't upset about that. Just still shocked I had some uh...meat--had a burger in my mouth.

Ate my dessert and fries which was great, and watched a movie all while thinking,

"there were downs, but there were ups too. So, not as scary as I thought it'd be."

The next morning, I was just glad it wasn't my birthday and wouldn't be for another year.

So, my advice and last thoughts? I get being lonely for holidays and birthdays. I get how you could be even more lonely those days than on the "regular" ones. I've been going through that.I know you have crappy days. But, I hope you know that you could try doing things just for you, you sshould be your own bestfriend, and you can take the ups and downs and at the very least be like "Today wasn't great, it wasn't horrible. It was just alright." And let that be enough.