Confessions logo

Millions of Miles Per Hour

by Bethanee Roberts 2 months ago in Humanity

mph

she is love

I feel like I am going a million miles per hour, yet I accomplish nothing. I have so much to do with my life, but I feel like I am in a never-ending cycle of events that keep holding me back. I've been trying my hardest to keep a straight face and not let anyone know I struggle. But I can't keep that mask on anymore. I can feel myself breaking, and it's happening more frequently lately. The only thing keeping me sane is that I haven't been genuinely alone; I always have {Someone} around me. But that's how I grew up too. It's all I've known my whole life, never really alone besides for a few hours at a time.

Does that make me codependent? Is that a toxic trait that I have carried with me from my childhood? Am I carrying that over into my adulthood and projecting my codependency anxiety onto Madaisha? Is this a bad habit that I need to change for myself? If so, how do I go about making the necessary changes? Am I a good mom? [I've heard that] asking that question makes me a good mom, but how can that be true? Especially in today's society, hell, even just in our little community, given the recent turn of events. How have moms deemed good moms just by questioning if they are good or bad? I believe that I am a good mom because I care for my child, I provide as best I can. The part that leaves me feeling like I am not a good mom is the limited resources on providing the best for my daughter. I can provide a loving home that is warm, clean, welcoming to friends and family, food, toys, and other activities. Still, I have no money or way to provide extracurricular activities outside of the home. Which I feel like she needs to thrive and excel in life.

I can't even catch a break to catch up with life, let alone break even.

What even is "break-even"??"

I have debt that accumulated during my marriage. I have accumulated debt over the last couple of years since I separated from my now ex-husband. I have ongoing life expenses that I can barely afford. "Breaking-even" isn't even a real thing when the money coming in doesn't even pay for everything necessary to live. The system is corrupt; corporate America has everything in chaos. Everywhere is hiring, but nowhere is hiring full-time hours, and then the pay is pennies on the dollar compared to the workload, then; to have it only be part-time work hours is just a bunch of bogus. The cost of living is constantly on the rise, but the minimum wage hasn't increased that much in the last decade or more, so nothing equally reflects. {Someone} please explain this to me??!!! I don't understand.

I don't understand how a single mom with one child is supposed to make it on a gross annual salary of $22,646 with no assistance, in the state of Michigan. The government has laws and regulations that everyone must follow, but these same policies and procedures leave many families broken and homeless. Madaisha and I happen to be one of those families, and some would say that I caused us to be in this situation. Even if it is my fault, I'm not trying to play the victim card and get a free hand out of life. I want to make an honest living; I was raised to work for what I want, so I have no issue with hard labor and earning my keep. The problem is, the way of life that I was raised for is not the way the world is. I'm not alone in that feeling/state of mind either. It's honestly reality for most American's.

Humanity

Bethanee Roberts

//Single Momma// Five year old Daughter//

//1993 NE IA born and raised//

//2018 to current NE MI//

I'm just an ordinary girl trying to find her place in this world.

Read next: The Pause

Find us on social media

Miscellaneous links

  • Explore
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of Use
  • Support

© 2022 Creatd, Inc. All Rights Reserved.