Me

Ever wonder what makes you the way you are?

I am an introvert, always have been as far as i know. Hesitant to trust anyone at first for fear of being hurt or rejected.

My earliest memories were living with my mother and my paternal grandparents. I knew that i was loved by my grandparents, my dad, and others. I wasn't so sure about my mother, I'm sure she did at first. She had to right? I was her only child at the time.

A couple years have passed, and now I'm living with my mother, her husband and stepson as well as my half brother and baby sister. I know now that I was just considered to be a hindrance in their household. The ex-stepfather was very happy when I departed his house as a child. My mother may have been upset but then again I still question whether she loves me , so I may be wrong as to her happiness or not.

In my family I was considered outgoing because I was comfortable with them and knew that I wouldn't be rejected ( of course I was young then and didn't know better ). By the time I was seven i had been sent to live with my mom's youngest sister. I enjoyed living with my aunt and my lil cousins but i really missed seeing my grandmother and my cousins on my dad's side of the family.

Then a year later , I was uprooted and sent to live with my dad and stepmother . Finally, I thought of some place where I could be happy. I had spent some time with them but not on a twenty four hour seven day a week scale. After moving in with my dad, I wound up basically being written off by some of my relatives on my mother's side of the family. Shameful isn't it?

During this time period I knew without a doubt that the only person that loved me for me was my grandmother. She didn't want anything from me just for me to be happy. My dad and step mom continued to raise me but I still felt as though I wasn't loved. My issues of being able to trust stayed with me always doubting what others would tell me.

As I reached adulthood trust issues became worse when it seemed as though yet again nobody could be honest as to why I was so "hated" or at least I thought I was . Once I reached adulthood, married and became a mom, I asked my mother “what have i done to you to make you hate me so much?” She said “ for many years you were dead to me.” I looked at her shocked with tears in the corners of my eyes struggling to breath over the pain lancing through my body.

Seeing the shock on my face, my mom laughed then sent my sister and my daughter outside so she could talk to me. She told me that I had ruined her life when she got pregnant with me and that when I left her household I became dead to her. All the while tears were streaming down my face. What kind of mother does this to her first born?

It's been nineteen years since that conversation. I look back and think I would never tell or even think of saying that to my children. I am raising my children to be outgoing but when you find it hard to trust most people that is a hard thing to do. My children know that I love them and would do anything for them.

People often ask why I am so guarded with those I don't know but talkative or open with those I do. I tell them that I give a smidgen of trust in that first impression, meaning I show them what they expect to see. Nobody truly knows the true me, the me that hurts on the inside. I only truly trust myself and my children totally. The scars of my childhood still have a hold on my adult self.