Married Men Indulgence

Why me?

Why Do I always end up looking for something else?

Why am I so intrigued by that I don’t have?

Why can’t I keep my eyes, heart, mind & soul with one person – why can’t I keep it to myself?

Why am I always the one to cheat?

Why do I always end up in some sort of relationship with a married man?

It started more than 8 years ago. I wasn’t particularly happy with my love life at the time but I had always been the promiscuous type – although in more of an emotional way than a sexual way. I knew he was married. He told me from day 1. Maybe he told me so I wouldn’t give him any headache or hassle about it later. His wife was Ugly, she was nagging she was from back home (from another country) and she couldn’t speak proper English. She was uneducated and he didn’t like her – he wasn’t happy. Or that’s what he said anyway. I will never know the truth. We were in a ‘relationship’ if you could even call it that. Snorting & drinking on the weekends and meeting up during random times of the nights to ‘consummate’ our relationship – although we did that a number of times. I let him do things to me I have never let anyone do.

Come on, there’s a dark side to everyone. Don’t tell me you don’t have one. If you look deep enough you will find it.

It was fun, exciting texting late night knowing his wife around him. But after a while I became insecure, wanted to know if he was less interested in her now and more interested in me. It was just like a sugar rush, every time he gave me a little inkling that he wasn’t sleeping in the same bed as her anymore, or he wasn’t eating her cooking anymore or he kept thinking about me when with her. It became an addiction. When I didn’t hear from him, I assumed he was with her, with his kids and I dropped so low. When I got that inkling or a sign he gave that he was falling for me it was like a high. Sugar rush. But as any addict will tell you, one fix isn’t enough to keep you going. You need it again and again.

It was great, until it wasn’t, and then it was great, until it wasn’t. I don’t even really remember how it ended it just kind of fizzled out after abit. I started seeing him for what he really was. I mean how much low self – esteem did I have? We would be in the car together and She would call and he’d take the call outside. One time I was in his (very expensive) car and she called and upon taking the phone outside the phone accidently connected to the Bluetooth in the car. And that’s when I heard her voice. And that’s when I realized this was a real woman. Who he was fucking probably every week if not every night. And this man isn’t mine and he never will be. After that it slowly started to fizzle. I mean I don’t know what it was about him that made me so attracted to him in the first place – maybe it was his expensive car, because it sure as hell wasn’t his penis – because that was small as hell. He was also short as hell and didn’t have anything going for him apart from being a chauffeur for celebrities and snorting cocaine to stay awake for the late nights. Maybe that’s what I had wanted – a mature man to spend the weekends with – with a nice car and some lovely cocaine. That ended and I thought that was the end of that.

I mean I even told my friends that I would never go with a married/unavailable man again.

However, come 2017, I found myself in the same predicament again. This time I really didn’t intend for it – or did I? What is it about having power over a man who is somebody else’s. There was something for sure. Because I found myself there again. This time it started at work. I was bored shitless not to mention depressed due to having broken up with a long term boyfriend – who I thought I would marry. But it did not work out – AT ALL. I was so heartbroken and down It felt like someone had ripped my heart out and laid it bare. I was angry, hurt, confused and completely thrown off. Yes I had lots of ‘causal’ men at the time, but none of them peaked my interest in any major way. AND I never saw this one coming. Yes I saw him a few times at work, passing the photocopier, doing his work, giving me a smile, we even exchanged a few ‘hellos’ and smiles. I also remember recognising this to be someone of the same background ethnicity as me but I had NO interest whatsoever. Not only that but I had no attraction towards the guy. I was so heartbroken I couldn’t see anything else.

One day after coming back from lunch, I see this guy sitting on the wall having a cigarette, so I looked at him and smiled, he called me over. We started chatting about business and I thought this guy is cool – would be great to have a friend in this awfully boring place so why not. He seemed like a genuine guy. We started exchanging emails at work. The emails started off friendly but became more frequent. When he was off for week, I missed his emails. But I thought nothing off it of the time. I was bored, so was he. We were just being friendly. After a while he said something to me which turned this into just ‘friends’ to ‘possible mating partner’. We exchanged numbers. He told me he thought I was different – which for some reason seems to get all the girls – what is it about wanting to feel unique- that there’s someone else that can see that in you. Don’t know about you but gets me EVERYTIME. He told me he saw a sadness in me and something that was not happy – well he got that one right. Since my childhood, I had been deeply disturbed and always carried this around – although I was also the most gentle soul in the world – I have a depth of sadness, darkness and abuse in the background. He noticed this – I started to look his way. He wanted to get to know me. Yes I knew he was married, yes we had had conversations about his wife prior and how happy he was with her. But none of that mattered. This guy was noticing something in me that not many people did.

From there, work got exciting. We started exchanging texts more regularly. He asked me to meet him outside of work – I refused. I didn’t want to be THAT easy. Especially considering he knew that I knew he was married. So he asked repeatedly. I like a guy that makes effort I mean come on even I’ve read ‘the rules’ (referring to the book). So I gave in one night, it was Friday night after work. I was out with work friends and he wanted to meet me so I said he could come if he took me home, he came. We went to the forest. I was drunk. We talked. He Drove. We laughed. He tried to kiss me I refused – even though I wanted it. He dropped me home and I realised I like this guy. But he needs to work for it – BECAUSE he is MARRIED. It did not cross my mind as it may any normal person that he is married that is why we shouldn’t cross that line – the only thing in my mind was that he needs to work for it so he doesn’t think I’m easy. So he asked me out the next day again on the Saturday. We met up again. We went to a place quite literally called ‘Love Lane’. Where we proceeded to ‘make love’ although not fully. He worked that night. Oh he worked so so hard. For 2 hours non- stop he teased, caressed, kissed – but that’s it nothing else we didn’t go the whole way. At this point I still didn’t want him to think I was ‘easy’. So I let him put in the work and at the end I proceeded to say ‘I feel selfish actually’ – which he found ‘cute’ apparently. But after drinking a bottle of whisky, him giving me 2 hours of pleasure I said ‘lets go home’. To which he didn’t refuse. That’s when I crossed the line I guess. That’s when he went from potential mating partner to ‘I want this guy and I could fall in love’. He dropped me home and our ‘affair’ continued at work after that. Work became exciting. He would come into my office sit next to me and touch me underneath the desk. He would send me sexual text messages saying what he would do to me when he got me alone. I remember he grabbed me in the corridor once – so close to getting caught by the other work colleagues (who knew he was married) and kissed me. I pulled away quickly – so afraid that someone would see. But I was loving it. Work was fun, exciting, intriguing. Sexual. It was SEXY. He was SEXY. He turned me on and drove me crazy just with his words. Everyday we would message back and forth and go out for cigarette breaks around the corner – kissing, caressing, talking, laughing – but at the same time so worried someone would see. Someone would realise I am not as innocent as I look. That I’m having an affair with a married man. Me. Dirty, wrong me. But I just never saw it that way – I saw it as fun. I saw it as exciting. I saw myself waiting for Fridays. Friday’s was our day, after work we would go to a hotel, drink, smoke, laugh, fuck – for hours on end. This was guy was hot. And he was falling – he was falling for me. I cant really say when I began to feel that but I did. I could tell. The affair was so damn good I didn’t want it to end. The sex was so damn good I didn’t want it to end. I loved going to work. I loved dressing up and teasing him. I loved the fact that I was falling – albeit with a married man. And even more so I loved the fact that HE was falling for me. Several months passed – oh the fun.

One day he told me he loved me- I was over the moon. But I also knew that things couldn’t go anywhere – because despite our lustrous, deeply sexual, exciting, unpredictable yet loving, tender affair; I knew his wife was pregnant. And she was going to give birth soon. I was deeply disturbed about the fact that he was with another woman – but just as the last one he told me many times that he didn’t care for her like that anymore and he couldn’t stop thinking about me and blah blah blah. It was all lovely to hear but again it was like a sugar rush. On and off. On and off. I was falling in love with this guy and his wife was about to give birth to their first baby. It was fucking painful.

There isn’t much to say after that, she gave birth, our affair fizzled out. I found someone else – THIS TIME he wasn’t married. The most amazing guy in the world. My attention turned towards him. I left that work place – and thank god I did otherwise that affair would have still been going to this day – because there’s something about having control over something that’s not mine. Being able to do something that no one knows about. Lust, darkness, love, rebellion – it’s all blurred in my mind. But I fucking love it. And its so ‘wrong’ but I love it. I need that. That’s who I am. I need PASSION in my life otherwise it is a boring life indeed.

2 years pass with the new guy and I just can’t keep my eyes away from other men. What is wrong with me? Although, no one in particular catches my eye I’m still looking out here and there.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep my eyes off other men? And then someone catches my eye again – or catches my heart shall I say. I know that look from a mile away. This guy wants to know me. But he is married. Here we go again.