Mama Bird

Dear Mama,

Happy Mother's Day! I'll start this letter off how I did with all of the homemade cards I gave you growing up, "You are the greatest mom in the whole wide world, and I love you with all of my heart!". You have always been my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way. I've told you almost everything about my life; I never felt like I had to hide anything from you. In fact, you were often the first person I would come to when I had news about my life, good or bad. Whenever I'm struggling with anything or am feeling down, I always come to you. Your voice still calms and soothes me like it did when I was a child. When the world feels too cold to survive, your hugs fill me with warmth and the courage to keep going. If I was a snowman I'd melt in your arms. I swear you are the sun and the only thing that keeps this solar system from falling apart. Even though we have such a close relationship, you may read a few things in this letter that come as a surprise.

Dad passed away unexpectedly a few months after you were diagnosed with stage 4 endometrial cancer. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this illness without him by your side. I think you were so focused on getting well and being strong for your daughters, that you may have delayed your grieving process for him. I've noticed since you've been in remission that his death has started to affect you a lot more. Maybe you thought you didn't have much time left on this Earth and you'd be reunited with him soon enough. Now you are getting better, and I can see how the thought of living the rest of your life without him terrifies you. At times I think you feel death would be better than being alone.

As the baby birds you've raised start to fly away, you worry they won't come back to visit. You gave birth to five beautiful girls over the years, and I honestly don't know how you survived through that. I am your youngest baby, the only one still in your nest. Although I confess, I know how to fly, and I've been ready to for some time now. I fear what happens to the mama bird when the nest is empty, so I stay. A mother eats when her baby eats and sleeps when they sleep. I'm concerned you won't remember to feed yourself and you'll stay up all night worried about me when I'm gone. I'm scared the quietness in the house will be too heartbreaking for you to hear. I want you to know that your children who are no longer children, will always remember who taught us everything we know. Your nest will never truly be empty. Your baby birds will never forget you and we will always be flying by for a visit. Soon we will bring our own baby birds to your nest and ask you to take care of them while we go have a drink at the pond. Haha, I'm sure you're looking forward to those days!

I realized I didn't have many pictures of dad or with dad after he passed, and it really bothered me. I confess I became a little obsessed with taking pictures/videos of you for a while. I'm sure you probably noticed. I was petrified that I was going to lose you too. Sometimes I would sneakily take videos when we were just having a normal conversation. If anything happened to you, I wanted to be able to hear your voice whenever I needed it. I mean honestly, is there anything sweeter than the sound of your mother's voice? I only hid this from you because I didn't want you to know that I really thought you were going to die. Everybody in the family always remained positive and almost ignored the fact that you were so close to death. I'm sure the thought was in the back of all of our minds, but it was too painful to think of how big that possibility was. You had stage four cancer and you kicked its ass! You had your uterus and part of your colon taken out to remove the tumor and had an uplifting spirit through it all. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a God damn superhero.

Okay, I know you are probably crying already, but I have one more confession. Do you remember when your port for your treatments got infected and you almost died of sepsis? We had gone to my cousins 21'st birthday party the day before and they had a big blow-up water slide. I saw that you wanted to go on it, but you were too scared. I pushed you to do it. I told you that it would be fun and that there was nothing to be scared of. Boy oh boy, I was fucking wrong. The water at the bottom of the slide was filthy from everyone sliding down with their muddy feet. You were in the hospital the next day with an extremely high fever. The doctors asked you if you had gone swimming in any dirty water, trying to figure out what caused your port to get infected so bad. You said no but I instantly remembered the bottom of the water slide. I'm a very shy person but since you didn't mention it, I felt I had to. The doctor said that is definitely what caused it. You had to stay in the hospital for about a week until you got better. I remember looking back on all of the pictures and videos I had taken of you. I thought if I hadn't made you get on that stupid water slide you wouldn't be so sick. It was all my fault, and if you died because of it, that'd be my fault too. Then I'd have to show everyone all of this footage I have of you that you've never even seen. Thankfully, you made you full recovery. They did have to remove the port for your chemo, so you had to go back to getting poked with needles. I'll never make you go on another water slide again.

With you questioning why you fought so hard to live, I thought these confessions might be a good way to remind you. This world would be too cold to survive without your hugs. The solar system that is our family crumbles without the sun. The nest will never be empty, and you've still got grandbabies to meet. You will never be alone or forgotten. My life would be bitter without the sweetness of your voice. I am finally going to show you all of the footage I've taken of you throughout these recent years. Probably the most difficult years of your life. It's honestly quite bad ass to see the evolution of you fighting this sickness and coping with your grief. I'm so incredibly grateful that you are here with me today still fighting, and I get to show you all of the amazing memories we've made together, all the progress you've made, and how hard you've fought to beat this cancer. You are a warrior with so much life left to live. Don't be afraid to live it.

Sincerely,

S (Your favorite)