Love thy neighbor

All I can tell you for sure is that I am in love with a man. This man is still a mystery to me. I don’t know how I should feel about him. Should I love him? Should we just stay friends? I like him a lot, and I can only imagine his feelings for me.

He is a friend, a family member, a widower, and all I could ever ask is to make him happy. He deserves to be happy, and I want it to be me. It just feels so wrong, so controversial, so risky. What if our feelings are forced on us, and we just accepted this as our path. This is all her fault, my sister is being selfish even in the afterlife.

My sister, unfortunately, passed away from cancer. She was married and one of her few wishes was for us to get together after her passing. He’s handsome, sweet, caring, and I want to make this step. He wants to make the step. He wants everything that I want. He loved my sister, he cared for her and treated her like a queen.

This is how it’s always been. She always had her way. Everything she did and said was perfect, and it would always be that way. She wasn’t special, not in some magical way. She just had a way with words and she had a good heart. Many times in the past, she has been called an angel. She was taken from this Earth too soon. She would’ve done great things. No matter what I say, I do love her, miss her.

It has been 2 years since her death, it is still very hard. We have grieved together, with family, and separately, and we feel as if we are ready to move forward with things. We helped one another during those times. He held me for hours in the dead of night. He held me for my own sake, but I know he always ended up crumbling into mine.

This is more than just seeing someone, this is the commitment of marriage. What if things change? What if I change? We have been there, building each other up and mending our broken hearts together. This is how we move on, this is what we need to do. I need him now, he’d know just what to say. He’d wipe my tears and kiss my forehead. His presence alone would help me stand taller.

This is pointless. We should just do it. Let’s be happy, let’s live out our lives being happy with one another. His life and mine are meant to be intertwined for the length of our lives. I need to be with him, I start running. The thought of him and I push me forward. The wind slides against my face. My feet are numb, but they won't stop running. They glide across the concrete. I need to keep going.

Why am I running? This doesn’t stop me, but I don’t understand. I’ve never had this feeling. The feeling of obsession, addiction, and craving. I crave him, he needs to be in my life. My feet keep running. Then I hear the horn. The screech. The thud. Why is this happening to me?

The talking is blurred, probably from the blood dripping out of my ears. I smile, his face looks so sad, but at least I get to see his face. One last time, his face will be burned into my mind as I fade away into the darkness.

Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn’t. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. To love thy neighbor, thy family, thy friend, what does any of it mean when you can’t see past rose-tinted lenses.