Love

When I was younger all the books, movies and songs had taught me that love is no matter what happens. That no matter how hurt, sad and betrayed you are, you stick next to that person, supporting them. You never give up on them, through thick and thin. I wish I knew how wrong they all were. How delusional and desperate they all were.

Love is not about never giving up and never leaving. I have learned that love is different for everybody. Every relationship I have fostered in my life has shown me different ways to love. There is no one way to love and no one way to feel love. I once let myself get hurt and stomped all over, I was once “in love” I swore he was my happy ending, my prince charming. Little did I know he was just one piece to the puzzle of learning what love truly meant.

Back then I thought he loved me, that no matter what he did I loved him too. Through the silence, the lies and the cheating. Turns out I was lonely and desperate. I wanted someone to love me so bad I tricked myself into thinking he did. Maybe he did love me, who knows. Whatever it was it wasn’t enough for me and it sure wasn’t healthy. I convinced myself that I was the one for him and that he would realize that and change his ways. That I was the reason he was acting this way and I too needed to change. I need to be prettier, happier, more sexed up. He had a lot of women feeling that way. I hadn’t learned yet that those who truly love you and care about you( there’s a difference.) don’t act that way. One day I had enough, it was a week before my sixteenth birthday and I had found out he was talking to my cousin in a not so family way. Two years it took me to finally snap and break it off.

I’m twenty three now and I still have a lot to learn but I do know that sometimes loving someone is letting them go. Sometimes you have to give up on people and leave them be. You might love them but sometimes love can hold us back. Letting go of someone you love hurts but can also cause relief. Love is not all rainbows and sunshine, sometimes it’s hell.

Not every relationship filled with love is happy and secure, either. Sometimes even love filled relationships are toxic and brittle. Like I said, every type of love is different. You don’t love your parents and your partner the same way do you? I don’t anyway. I love my parents and I would help with certain things, but my siblings I would move heaven and hell for. You see what I mean? Love is different for everyone. Something that is important to ask yourself is “would you kill for them or die for them?” depending on your answer it tells you what type of love you have for them. Killing for someone is not the same as dying for them. I know it's a weird thing to think about but really dig into it. Would you take a bullet for them or would you sacrifice someone else for them? In reality it’s easy to answer one way and then you react another way when a situation happens.

I guess what I’m saying is it’s hard to truly know what love is and what it means. There’s so many different ways to explain it and to show it. Love looks different for everyone, everyone shows love in their own ways and you can love someone just as much as the next person and show it differently. Sometimes you love the same person differently one day then the next. Love is a feeling at first then changes to a commitment. No one can teach love or tell you what to expect because of the varying degrees. It’s easier to teach what isn’t love.