Dear Mom

I love you and I care about you, but I do not like you. In fact, I silently resent you.

The pain in my heart, the suffering in my eyes and the death of my soul. All caused by you and the decisions you passed down onto me. You’re called mom and yet you are only one by default. The life I've lived and the mistakes I've endured that you’ve made. Your decisions cause me to make my own decisions that I do not want. The drugs and guys you’ve chosen to be in your life, trickle down onto me. The kids not biologically mine, but legally and emotionally. I feel so lonely and used. I do not feel like a daughter but like an ATM and a safe last choice. In a way I'm glad I took in the kids as it got me to where I am now, but the question lingers in my mind. Would I be happier? How would my life be? If it was just me. Would I have bought a house at age 20? Dropped out of college? Would I be as mature? I’m up and down on my seesaw of emotions. Sometimes I'm content with my life. Other times I resent everyone and everything. How could you decide that a little girl would be a great second mom to the kids you decided to have. Why were the drugs better for you then your kids? Why were all your horrible choices pushed onto me? Because “I'd make a great mom?” well maybe that’s because I raised your kids my whole life. Almost everyone in my life just uses me because I can’t say no to people. All I want for myself is to be happy and feel what freedom is. I want to be able to not have to worry about food at home for the kids. To hope people are ok with me bringing my siblings with me sometimes. I love them with all my heart and I would never let them be somewhere they don’t want to be or feel unsafe. I would never say no they can't be with me. But why me? Why was this all on me? I shouldn’t be the one that has to care and worry for them. I’m not much older than them and yet I act as their mother. And now their dad is in prison, which is a good thing for almost everyone. Who do they really have except me? The mental trauma they fight with everyday as they hope i won’t say “ I don’t want you anymore” just like everyone else. I want them to be happy and not worry if there's food or if they'll get screamed at. I don’t want them to live the way I did growing up. Watching their parents do drugs, seeing their mom get hit and abused and hoping you aren’t next. Watching your dad get drunk and beat up your papa, the only adult that truly raised you and treated you like a kid. People telling me my whole life they expect great things from me. Causing me to never feel like I'm doing good enough no matter what I do. I hate you silently mom, you took my life away from me. Yes it taught me things but is the knowing worth the suffering? Is it worth having to pay off the debt you put me in cause you stole my money? I know I'm supposed to cherish you, but how do you cherish the person that makes you hate your life? I’ll never show you this letter, I'm sure. Even though I love you, I hate you. I hate the women you’ve become and who you’ve made me into.