Kiss with a fist

~

Even though I felt safe and loved at the time... it would always break somehow.

I was completely adrift, with no compass, map, or sense of where to go or what to do...

So, there I was...

Back with the man who not only hurt me mentally and physically, but created a vision of trapped insecurities where only I could acknowledge it.

Even though I was young and reckless and didn't know how to love someone. I still wanted to find someone who would love me more than however much I wanted to be loved.

Abuse but gentle~

Okay, maybe I should stop sticking up for an abuser. Let's call him.... Pal. Why not?

Pal was 23 and I was 17 at the time. I didn't really understand nor expect the consequences that would occur in our relationship. But you know that saying... "age is just a number." Well, it certainly is a number for overpowering and manipulation. I was only 17~

The first night of my shift at a Japanese restaurant was when my world changed. It was when my soul was sold. I met pal. He introduced himself pretty professionally, or maturely I would say now. I was pretty stunned by the way his confidence rose to make the effort to talk to the new waitress (me). Of course, I was going to make the effort back to engage in the conversation, reluctant because it was a man, but I was still new and clueless about meeting the people here.

I remember when my shift finished, I walked outside to see a hand waving from someone inside of their car. "Do you need a lift?"

It was Pal. Did he wait for me to finish my shift...?

"No, I'm good thanks."

"What was your name again?"- He stuck his head out of the window.

"Kodah."

"Come on Kodah, I don't think it's safe out here at this time."

"Like your any safer?"- I chuckled.

"Suit yourself...Kodah."- He says closing his window and preparing to reverse from this car spot.

I remember looking back at his car, thinking he wasn't actually going to leave. I liked the attention a lot of the guys showered upon me...

As I walked off along the streets at 10:30 pm to reach my destination of the bus bay area, I felt my intuition alerting me that something was watching me. More than watching....following.

I felt as if the hidden burden finally caught up to my pace.... He rolled down his window, it was Pal.

"Oh, so now you're stalking me?"- I cross my arms.

I was pretty annoyed at this point....

"I'm just watching...making sure nothing happens to you."

"That sounds like stalking to me..."

"Kodah, just get in..."

Looking at him with suspense, I finally let go and gave up. I got in the car.

Let me fast-forward. It was an awkward and boring drive, I picked up in my own thoughts that he seemed he done all of this because there was a secret motive behind all of this. At least that's what I felt.

As time went by... I wasn't home. I was having a deep conversation about the reality of my life with someone I just met within 24 hours and in his car at the top of the mountain with a pretty view.

"I'm so sorry you went through all of that, Kodah."

"I don't need your pity, Pal."

Yes, maybe it was rude, but I really regretted opening up about my personal life.

"Well, Kodah. I hope you know that I'm always here for you, you can talk to me whenever you want."

...

The look I gave him was tight, I was for sure confused by the level of empathy that was coming from a guy.

Looking deeply into his eyes... He started leaning into me. His fingertips trailing lightly down my neck. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, a soft sigh escaping my lips. Ever so slowly, he drew me closer until our noses touched. My heart couldn't stop pounding as his lips met mine, tenderly at first, both savoring the sweetness of the kiss.

Pal's hand slid into my hair and clutched his shirt, pulling him against me. We melted into each other, the windows steaming up around them as time stood still in that moonlit car.

~

Well, that was the beginning of our relationship.... let's fast-forward yet again.

The reality is that abuse doesn't discriminate, and people from all walks of life, cultures, socioeconomic status, races, and so on, can suffer from abuse.

Mine started through trust issues. I always advise people to understand trust in their relationship. Trust has to be the biggest thing to commit when dating.

Even though I didn't get to understand Pal's trust..."What are you doing?"

"Hm? I'm just texting my friend."

"Show me."- The tension rises.

"No. Why?"- I'd chuckle.

"I said, give me!"- He snatches my phone out of my hand.

I remember feeling scared to stick up to him. He was like a cat, and I was like a mouse. I was scared....which is clearly not normalised in relationships. I shouldn't need to have the feeling of being 'scared'. I didn't want to be scared, I wanted to determine where he was coming from.

"Can I have my phone back?"- I reach my hand over to his.

"Fuck off."- He smacks my hand.

....

That moment I realised I wasn't just dealing with a protective man who wanted nothing more but to care for his girlfriend. But, I was dealing with a controlling, narcissist who clearly never had a female in his life.

I soon to realise that the rite of passage before you become a man is realising that his father didn't have life figured out any more than he did~

~

Well, that's how it all started. Let me explain the time it became extreme.

Oh, yep... I remember this...

I smashed all his plates on the ground, then spoons, then folks. And don't forget my urge to light his bed on fire. I remember wanting to rip up all his walls till I heard him apologise. I couldn't keep being controlled like this.

*Slaps*

He hit me once, it was a kiss with a fist~

He hit me because he cares for me...?

Yes, He hit me, but it felt like a kiss....

I had to always remind myself that maybe he hurt me because he loved me so much~

I look at Pal.

"Pal, I can't keep fighting. I have stood up for you for so long."

"I know that. But I expect more. Just remember, I know a lot about you and your past, you can't leave me..."

Those words broke me. I was only 17. How could I give him more than what he wanted when I was a part-time worker, full-time student, and a full-time stupid, clueless, lost, and dazed teenage girl.

And the fact a 23-year-old MALE is threatening a 17-year-old GIRL that he can leak her own personal information....

At this point in my life. I knew I fucked up everything. I got myself into a toxic relationship with a 23-year-old man who had more authority than I ever had, I was being manipulated, I started getting into substances to control myself, and most of all.... I was only 17.

I felt trapped. I felt lost. I felt like my subconscious mind had fled from my body into a world of darkness.

It almost felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. I wasn't connected to myself. The man in my life was the one concealing all my secrets from the outside world of those who knew me. I couldn't call for help, I felt hopeless.

There was nothing I could do.

But there was one solution...

Pal lived in an apartment. He had a fairly high balcony.

I look at Pal. "I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't keep hurting myself to benefit your happiness. My happiness matters too. And you know what, sometimes you need to take responsibility for your own happiness."

"HIT ME, PAL. ONE LAST TIME."- I scream at the top of my lungs.

"No? You don't want to hit me one last time?"

I turn around to face the window. I look at Pal one last time. I sprint to the window and climb on top of it.... until I jump and launch myself off the balcony.

I hit the ground. Like how Pal hit me.

I didn't feel any pain~

~

Please no one stress! I'm completely fine!!

I woke up in a hospital room. I remember looking around me wondering if I was dead or alive. It seemed like I was pretty alive...

But that was it. That's unfortunately how I escaped an abuser.

I learned to escape. I learned a lot of things actually.

I learned that trust takes a while to build in a relationship.

I learned that you shouldn't hurt yourself to benefit others.

I learned that you should always put yourself first and take responsibility for your own happiness.

I learned that you shouldn't open up to those who you just met. You can never trust what others will do with that information.

I learned that you don't need a man to be happy.

I learned that violence doesn't mean any love and not to let your delusions fool you.

Maybe these things happen for a reason. Maybe, I should still be grateful for the people who came into my life even though he was never meant to be a part of my life.

But~

I learned to survive.

Now when I tell my next boyfriend my story, I hope he treats me better than Pal did.

Even though that's not how it should be...

Yet, I was still only 17~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Authors Notes:

💓Thank you for reading!!💓

For those worrying, don't worry! The height wasn't that high, I wasn't injured that badly and I'm perfectly fine!!

~Love Unraveled~