It Was My Fault, Kinda

If the after school specials of my 1970's childhood are to be believed kids often blame themselves for their parents divorce, or at least they did then. I would hope that today parents would help their kids not feel that way. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I never felt that way. At six years old I knew that I was not the one who cheated on my dad with the guy that sold us bananas. I knew I was not the one that moved out and refused to come home. I knew that I didn't take everything out of the house, and I do mean everything, that is maybe another story. At any rate I never blamed anyone but my mom. Even when I reconnected with her in my 20's and she told me that it was entirely because of us 4 kids that she left, I knew that she had been the grown up and we were the kids. if there was a problem she was the one in charge not us. For the record I also knew that it was a pretty crappy thing to tell your child, even that much later.

So the day after her first divorce was final my mother married my step-dad. I met him under interesting circumstances, if you want to read about that it is in my story "Meet Your New Stepfather" He was a good man. He never tried to take my dad's place, but he did his best to be a parent to me. He was never anything but kind and generous to me or my eventual family. There were in fact times when he was the only parent I was not mad at, divorce can after all cause a lot of anger in a kid. He spent time with me just because he wanted to. God knows my mother never cared if we got along or not. We went fishing, we went camping, he brought me to the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone. We camped on the beach in Florida and cooked fresh shrimp on an open fire, you should do that if you haven't. When we moved to a house with a pool and land he bought me a minibike. The pool was always ready for a swim and he would swim with me late into the night. And my minibike never ran out of gas. Is it clear that I loved this man? Good then we can move on with the story.

He and my mom had one son, my baby brother is one of my favorite people ever. But in spite of how amazing he was and how much I loved my brother I hated living with them. My mother was just too much for me to deal with and my life was back with my dad and my 4 other siblings. I fought very hard to get to live where I wanted. Both within the legal system and in just making it clear I did not want to be with my mom. The battle of wills between me and my mom ended in an airport with the words "Go ahead I never wanted you anyway!" That is maybe another story to tell. But the short of it was she and I had flown from Florida to South Dakota for my oldest brother's wedding and I didn't go back with her.

They stayed married until my baby brother graduated from high school and joined the Army. My step-dad had a major heart attack about a year before that and my husband and I dropped everything to to take care of him and help him back on his feet. On one of these visits to help him he told my husband that the doctor had told him to try to eliminate some of his stress. My husband asked him if he was going to retire and he said no. That night my husband told me he thought he was going to leave my mom. And leave he did.

When my mom told her friends about the split she told them how he left her for other women, apparently many women. And he left her destitute. The truth was he paid us to get the house ready to sell. He sold it. Gave her every penny of the sale price. Then with his own retirement he paid off all her credit cards and her car loan. Also he never divorced her legally. He was a Vietnam Vet and if she was his wife she had full health insurance and he didn't want to take that away from her. Did I mention that he was a really good man?

After the split we stayed in touch with varying success. We always had my brother in common and we really loved each other so it was never a burden to hear from him or to check on him. But I will be honest I had not been in touch for a while when I got the phone call that he was in the hospital. I went home from work and got my husband and to the hospital we went. It was abut two horrible weeks before he died. My work was great they let me take as long for lunch as I wanted and I went every day to be with him and my little brother and his new girlfriend. If you have been through this process I's so sorry.

On one of these visits when it was just me we had a long talk. The doctor had told us that there were no more options and he should get things in order. I helped him fill out his will. He of course wanted his son to get everything and he was worried that my mother would interfere. I told him that I wouldn't let that happen, and I didn't my baby brother got every penny his dad wanted him to have.

After that conversation he apologized to me for his part in my childhood drama. Again see my other story to find out how we met and that will give you the idea what he was apologizing for. I didn't need this apology I was not holding any kind of anger about it but he needed to say it. I told him I knew my mom had told him lies to get him involved in the first place. He still didn't want to really say bad things about her but he admitted he had been duped. Then he said one of the most shocking things I had ever heard. He told me that he decided to leave her when she didn't come home with me from the wedding, he just waited until my brother was grown so he wouldn't pay the price I had for his parents divorcing. I was gob smacked.

Of course that was not the time for deep reflection, I had to help my brother through the process of death. Then I had to get my mother to sign away all her rights as his wife, which she did and then regretted when she decided she should have had his estate, but there was nothing she could do because she put her name on the paperwork we had a lawyer draw up.

My first reaction when I had time to think was guilt. After all she had every intention of bringing me back, I had been the one to refuse to get on the plane. I had been the one to push her buttons until she gave up and for once told me the truth that she didn't actually want me at all. Which reveals the other truth that she just wanted to hurt my dad and maybe even me and my siblings I don't really know.

Then I thought about it from his point of view. He always wanted kids and he was very happy to have a daughter and then a son. In his mind we were a family. And he worked really hard to make us a family. He actually gave up his Air Force career and moved across the country. And what did she do. She left me in South Dakota without even talking to him. Can you imagine when she got off that plane and was alone? What did she tell him? Did she tell him she had never wanted me like she had just told her 10 year old daughter. I don't know, he never said. But I think it made it clear to him that she was not the person she had pretended to be.

In the end I think I am happy for him that his last years were peaceful. He did find a woman that made him happy. He saw his son safely home from the middle East and with an amazing girl. I wish he could have known his two amazing little grand daughters. And I wish we had had more time for more long conversations.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. If you enjoyed it feel free to like or share it with someone else who you think would enjoy it. There is of course a tip button if you just really loved it. But I am just happy you took a few minutes to read it. Thank you