It's time

I need to get this off my chest. It’s been consuming my thoughts, and my gut won’t stop screaming at me. I want this feeling to go away. Or… I could put all my hope into the small chance that this could be something real.

I need you to know that I think there is something magical between us, and that I’m sorry I’ve kept that hidden away from you for so long. I have every reason to not feel this way and have come up with every reason why I should never tell you the truth about how I feel. I’m sorry that it’s somehow easier for me to tell the world than it is for me to pull you aside to tell you in person.

The truth is, I’m scared. Scared to speak up, scared of rejection, and scared of having my heart broken.

I'll never forget the first time I saw you from across the room at a party. Time stood still and all the people and sounds around me were blurred and muted - it was like a movie. I can't remember anything except for your eyes. We didn't know each other then but I could tell by the way you looked at me that it was fate, and that I was also doomed. I wish I had the courage to talk to you in that moment before it was too late. I've never had that level of confidence and assurance that I see and envy in so many other people.

Then before I had another second to think it through and talk myself up, he showed up. Before I had time to consider my options and have a chance to speak up, he grabbed my hand and led me away. I never saw you again even though I still thought about you all of the time. Time went on and you only became a distant memory - a fantasy of what could have been and what will never be.

I believe that nothing ever goes away until it’s taught us what we need to know. And I want this feeling to go away… I think. I should take the chance and not let feelings and live passively pass me by, to be fully and unapologetically myself, and to let my heart have a win for once. Despite being hurt, I still have all the love in the world to give out to someone who is deserving. Maybe you weren't deserving anyway.

If I take my own advice and follow my heart and trust my gut, it leads me straight back to you every time. It has always felt this way even from the beginning before I actually knew you. I don’t know what this means for you or us, but I’m sorry I never had the courage to tell you this before. I don’t have any reason why the feelings are still here and seemingly getting stronger by the day or any explanation that makes sense, just feelings that won’t go away and truly defy all logic.

I don’t need you to feel the same way, I don’t need you to respond or to come back to me, I just need you to know the truth and to hear it straight from me. I’m sorry that I was too scared of possibility having my heart shattered into a million pieces again. I know it’s too late now, but it’s finally time for me to accept my fate and to tell the truth, and time for me to stop being so afraid of falling and failing.