Is this a test?

"So I can go, Right?"

"I personally wouldn't with the new variant and the sheer number of people that will be there, but it is up to you."

That wasn't a "No," But it also wasn't the "Yes," I was hoping for.

My boyfriend had bought pre-season tickets to a Vikings game for Himself, my father and step-mother, his mother, and me. He had also bought me an expensive jersey to wear when we went. I was so excited to go to this game and experience this with all of them. The last thing to check off of my to-do list was approval from my OB. I was so sure she was going to say yes. I wasn't high risk, I was planning on wearing a mask and I was even going to get my first dose of the vaccine days before the game, as she had recently given me the go-ahead for. That all had to count for something, right?

Maybe I should just go. Maybe my doctor was a super paranoid woman who didn't like being around large crowds of people in the first place. Maybe she didn't know that last year I had actually contracted the virus and I was completely fine. Didn't she know they put had safety standards in place to help protect the fans who were returning to in-person games? I could still go, right?

I knew I was being selfish, impractical. I had gotten lucky that I was asymptomatic. A lot of people hadn't had the luck I had, and there was now another factor in the situation as well. A tiny vulnerable life growing inside of me that could only hope that her mother would keep her safe. Sure I could go and nothing could happen, and that was probably really likely to be the case. But there were more possible outcomes that I had to consider. Too many scary scenarios flashed through my mind as I ran through all of the worst-case scenarios.

The more I thought about it the more I thought; this is my first test as a mother. Can you put your unborn daughter first? At first, I was mad. This isn't fair. Then I was sad. I just wanted to go have fun. And then it hit me, this is what all those mothers online were talking about.

"I love being a mother, but sometimes I miss myself."

I hadn't had to give anything up yet, not really. Sure I had quit smoking, but that was good for me and I had been meaning to do that anyway. I couldn't eat raw sushi or runny eggs, but those wouldn't be a thing of the past when my baby was born. Those were temporary sacrifices I was making for the beautiful life growing inside of me. My doctor had given me the OK on going to the movies, swimming at the lake, listening to reasonably loud music. This was the first time she had advised me against anything. In the end, I trusted her. If I went and something happened, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. I had to put my child's needs above my own wants.

So here I sit, at home on the couch cuddled up to my future-mother-in-laws dog watching the game live on TV. My heart is a little heavy at having missed the fun and excitement firsthand. But when I look down and see my healthy baby dancing in my belly, I know I made the right choice. I've got a lifetime of protecting this little girl ahead of me and I wouldn't trade it for all the live events in the world.