Is a Narcissist Capable of Loving Anbody but Themselves?

When I joined an online dating site in the mid-2000s, I had no idea that the man I would finally choose over all the others was the worst possible choice. He nearly cost me my life.

Passive-Aggressive Narcissism

I had never heard of the term ‘passive-aggressive narcissist’. I take everybody at face value and assumed he was telling me the truth. What an idiot. That was my first of many mistakes.

What characterizes the passive-aggressive narcissist is their barely disguised sense of superiority, conceit, and entitlement. They are inclined to become covertly hostile when they don’t get their way, no matter how unreasonable. If the world doesn’t revolve around them (like they think they deserve), they will devise many subversive schemes to make the lives of those around them miserable.

Fresh out of a divorce and my sizeable settlement banked, I dated a few guys but this one latched on to me. Slightly older than me, he had the makings of a life partner, or so he led me to believe.

Toxicity soon crept in

For anyone reading this who has experienced a toxic relationship and suffered at the hands of a passive-aggressive narcissist, I am sure you can feel my pain. The hurt is always there when I focus on the relationship, which is only ever when I write about it. It’s gone, it’s history and I don’t allow it to pervade my thoughts at any other time because it only serves as a negative reminder of those awful years and the terrible way that I was treated.

Resentment, anger and self-loathing

Anger and resentment kicked in. I was angry at myself for allowing him to control me to the degree that he did, due to my naivety. I believed every word he said and thought (wrongly) that he had my best interests at heart. One usually does, being the other half of a long-term partnership.

“They will devise many subversive schemes to make the lives of those around them miserable.”

The fact that I believed every word he said was to my detriment. I still can’t believe that anybody can lie to the extent that he did. The lies and deceit went on for years and I had no idea that he was a pathological liar.

Self-loathing followed because I was made to feel worthless and I was controlled to the degree of having no access to any funds whatsoever, so I was well and truly trapped.

This brings me to my question. Is a narcissist capable of loving anybody but themselves?

Narcissists may show passion in the early stages of dating. But that sort of passion, according to Jungian analyst Robert Johnson, “is always directed at our own projections, our own expectations, our own fantasies . . . It is a love not of another person, but of ourselves.”

I missed all the classic signs

I didn’t realize this person was as evil as ‘it’ was, is. All the classic signs were there, but I just didn’t see them. They were disguised so cleverly that I mistakenly thought that the person I shared my life with, worked alongside, and holidayed with, actually liked me as well as loved me. How misguided and wrong I was.

There wasn’t a decent bone in his body. He cleverly manipulated family gatherings to coincide with other ‘more important’ events, although we had no friends to speak of but suddenly, some would miraculously appear from nowhere and he convinced me that we would have way more fun with them than with my family. Again, I fell into the trap that he had set for me.

The effect on my relationship with my family was devastating

My family stopped inviting me to gatherings and my only child stopped visiting me because she couldn’t bear to be in the same room as “it”.

He never even bothered to greet her when she came in through the door; his ignorance and arrogance sickens me now. I only wish I had been able to see it at the time. Of course, now I realize that everything was his fault and not mine, as he had always led me to believe.

He was inside my head

Was I that stupid? No, of course not, but he had got inside my head with all sorts of reasons and theories that he had concocted to turn me against my family. That is my biggest regret — missing out on so many family gatherings because he convinced me not to go. I should have gone — on my own.

His feelings were never sincere

I honestly thought that he cared for me and that he loved me. After I left, he kept texting me saying that I was ‘the only woman that he had ever truly loved’. Yeah, right. I fell for it insofar as I believed that too. I never went back to him, despite the fact that he managed to convince me to meet up with him several times to try and get me to go back with him. Thank God I stood my ground.

Cut off all contact with a narcissist when you get out of the relationship

Again, I don’t know why I didn’t have the strength of character to just say ‘no’. He would always get inside my head and to that end, I now know that the best way of dealing with a narcissist once you have broken free is never have any contact with them. Zero, zilch. Cut off their ‘air supply’ because it’s you that they are feeding off.

Greed and arrogance

A long and protracted court battle ensued and I lost everything. His greed and arrogance prevailed once again and his bullying tactics were indescribable. He frightened me. I didn’t know what he was capable of. That was then. Now, I can see him for what he is. A weak, arrogant bully. He should wear a health warning to ward off future suitors because I feel desperately sorry for any woman who falls for his charm and bullshit.

Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self-image and attributes. The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water.

Apart from losing everything, knowing that the whole ten years had been a complete lie was probably the worst aspect of having a relationship with a passive-aggressive narcissist. Realizing that nothing was real.

Making the right choices in life

If only I had chosen one of the other suitors I had dated at the time. Then again, I might not have met my current husband and for all the heartache, pain, and rock bottom point that I hit following the mental and emotional turmoil that I suffered at the hands of this “thing”, it taught me so much because now, I appreciate every moment of my life, free from the bullying abusive treatment that I endured every day throughout those ten years. And it feels amazing.

My honest opinion on whether a narcissist is capable of loving anybody but themselves? No. In my experience, this man only ever loved himself and nobody else will ever come close to loving him as much as he does.

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This article was first published on Medium, where you can find more of my work. Why not get a weekly update from my village in England by signing up to Rosy's Ramblings? I publish every Saturday and it's free!

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