If you find this, it's for you.

The hardest thing I've been trying to accept is life itself. The ending and renewal of seasons reveal what exists for a certain time and purpose.

You couldn't tell me it was destined for you to experience that same journey. There's no way I saw this ending the way it just did, not from the way I was blessed with you. I can't speak enough of how grateful I was to finally feel it, to exhale, to not have to question motives, to be the most authentic version of myself, and be loved just for that. I hoped for the first time again over a simple reconnection. I blocked society's misinterpretations of men from the surreal and captivating conversation I had with you. For the first time, ever, I met a real man, who was serious about me and the connection he intended to grow with me.

You wanted to get to know me and made it extremely clear. I don't know if I was obsessed with you, your mannerisms, or your pure intentions to know the real me: the good, bad, & the ugly. It's crazy how we've known each other forever, just to now fall for each other. I could never get over the fact that it was you. You were the first to introduce me to love.

This is where my life changed...in so many different ways I can't stop thinking of it. I honestly never want to stop reminiscing on the after-effects of those night drives. I'll never forget the wisdom and the knowledge I gained in this experience, you taught me so much. Our time together showed me my superpower: the ability to walk in my truth and mistakes. When I felt like the villain, you reminded me that I was in fact, the hero.

Our bond over the love of music and our similar taste in songs made my thighs jump. If they never understood the hype behind you, I did. Yeah, your consistency, respect, charisma, intellect, and big heart did it for me. But when it all comes down to it, you were always the package. I hope and pray that you forgive me for any time I didn't allow you to feel this way.

You deserve and will receive so much more than what you went through. And none of that could ever define you. I'm so sorry for the hurt you experienced in your unfortunate times in the past. It's a relief to know that those struggles strengthened you into the mentally strong man you are today, fully knowing your worth.

God seemed to make his way into the picture and I could never control or stay angry at that, I know it's his protection. First I struggled to accept everything you wanted to provide to me, it was new, overwhelming, and even a little scary. Assumptions were made, fear dwindled in, and the need to seek God seemed like my only solution to escape this illusion. The imbalance of the scale all began when I didn't hear an answer from him.

I've been closer to God than ever, and not having clear guidance triggered my programmed mind: being only familiar with a "yes" or "no", especially no's. No's in building something with a person, becoming closer to them, spending more time with them, allowing them more access to me, you name it. I've been so used to the "no's" that I was uncouth of the "yes'" or "what if's".

We needed more time whether I realized it or not, so that's what happened. I gave it more time, and while I call myself a "believer", I traveled down every silly possibility of what would happen to me if this ended up being the wrong decision. I'll admit that I forgot God's character, my salvation, and his love for me. My fear of disappointing him and the outcome of disobedience had me turning left and right and I didn't know what was going on.

Could it be that I was supposed to enjoy dating you and hope for a long-term relationship? Could it just be that I deserved to feel the way you made me feel? I couldn't have known, as I prematurely punished myself for a mistake that I didn't even make. Intentional guidance from a few of my favorites helped me to realize the mark I put on myself through the false identity I gave to God as a persecutor. Those conversations challenged me to embrace the journey of finding the answer because I knew I wanted you and I knew you wanted me. Even if it did happen fast, I was looking to make the next move with you or at least began to think about it.

I hate the night when I found the answer because it was so clear. It sucked because it had nothing to do with the person you are and everything to do with our priorities. It sucked even more because it reinforced the fact that you're still such a great man. I was willing to alter my priorities and even considered letting them go, just to have you. But I can't change the impossible, I can't believe in potential, and I can't fake the funk.

It was all cool until it wasn't, and there was nothing I could change or force, so I held on. I held onto the man I fell in love with for the first time because I couldn't accept that just maybe, love wasn't enough. I held onto the good that came into my life because of you and the self-discovery I found that motivated me to immerse myself in a consistent lifestyle of healing. You weren't leaving my life, and it was gonna take pain to separate us. I was sick for you, knowing that it wasn't our time and not knowing if it ever would be. I chased and became saddened over the idea of seeing you with the one you deserve when it finally is the right time for you. I began to just feel. I felt all of the emotions, even the ones that shouldn't have been there.

I became so obsessed with something I couldn't control, and it overshadowed the need for us to reserve this season to ourselves, preparing to deal with loss and grief. Seeing you not give up on us made it even harder to go along with what I felt was the best decision for me. And even though there were questions about my love and feelings towards you, I can honestly say there is no question about it. There was just no fight left in me that was worth losing or forgetting the love I once felt. I couldn't bring myself to hold on to this knowing that it could lead to terminal destruction. I never want to not love or care for you, so this is me saving a time in my life that I never believed would happen in the past.

I send love and peace to you as you listen to and receive this change. If you do nothing else, heal, and continue to love the way you do, the world needs it.