I Will Tell You How to Break a Pattern of Self-Destruction

My thoughts of violent self-dislike were but the vague shadows of the volumes I was getting ready to say about passionate self-love.

I was one of those long-limbed, knock-kneed, shambling, bony girls, to whom it was difficult to feel good in any clothes. Looking as I did, I used to seek solitude and darkness. I felt dread and awe creeping upon me each time I saw other people watching me with interest. I thought they assumed me ugly with those promising eventual shapeliness, as I thought at the time, body parts.

I was one mass of dull, complaining thoughts, which made my life more and more distasteful until, at last, it was absolutely nauseating. By some odd universal law, such nervous, sensitive, high-strung natures as myself learn very late to appreciate what they have.

One message colored a world for me

I was cast upon a cold, calculating, and unpoetic world because self-distracting thoughts prevailed in my head. Then I read two sentences on a napkin in a cafe famous for its bubbling, chattering, and glittering messages on a one-use flowery lip and hand wipers.

We do not control when the last day, the last hour, or the last moment of our life will be. So why not make this day, this hour, this moment special?

And I decided that it might not be any different day from yesterday and the day before. But it was in my power to make that moment singular by enriching it with thoughts I picked, feelings I defined, and images my eyes wanted to see.

I realized that if I set myself up to notice the bare tree and a foggy, gloomy day with no sun in the sky to brighten my 'now' - I excluded myself from the beauty of the smoky-bluish-grey sky, the freshness of misty-dewy air, the soft whispering of the wind and the magnificence of sleeping nature getting ready, growing strength to bloom with colors in spring that was just around the corner.

I will tell you how I break a pattern of self-destruction

• I have the control and I can consciously fine-tune my inner radio-waves to a 'happy-sunny-mood' station. Every breath is precious, every sound is unique, and every glance is dear. Today, before I open my eyes after leaving the warm embrace of sleep, I think about the good I want to bring to this day. I think about what I can do to bring a smile to a lovely face of a dear person.

• Gratitude is my playmate in this happy-game of life. There are so many things I used to take for granted, and this was the biggest mistake I ever made. I am given sight - and I say 'thank you', I can walk - and I am appreciative, I am healthy, that is the greatest gift anybody can have.

• To be the admired, and the sought-for, I need to admire and think about others. I feel the radiance of other people's presence and I want them to enjoy the atmosphere I create. I touch the mystic cords of affection by balancing between love to myself and love to others.

• I use a rousing intellectual kick to regain my good spirits. I go over every distressing situation and thank heaven for the lessons I should try to learn. It is normal to be gently worried about myself and delicately worried about the world. But I use my willpower to not let the misfortunes of today darken the bright prospects of tomorrow.

I made a promise to myself to never let the wretched mental stupor I used to live in, dominate my life. I am free of it. Every day is the long flush of delight. My artistic nature is capable of re-creating the perfect understanding of beauty as I see it.

I am moving forward with steady grace, born of inspiration. I feel handsome, proud, and elegant. There is the same bony body wrapped in the same ill-fitted garments, but now that body radiates the waves of self-satisfaction.