I Was A Good M♥M

When I was growing up, I had a very challenging mother. I can not recall one single time that she hugged me or voluntarily admitted that she loved me. She never acknowledged that she was proud of me. I was never shown any signs of affection or attachment. To say the very least, I had food in my stomach and a roof over my head, not much else. I never had those little, priceless things from her such as playing, laughing, talking, intimacy, familiarity or any sense of belonging. For the most part I felt more like a burden - an imperative commitment and obligation to her.

She never failed to remind me that she had always wanted a son, but she had to accept what she was given. It seemed as if everything that was wrong with her life was to blame on me. I grew up feeling like a complete disappointment - a curse on her life, and I was never convinced otherwise. For this reason I kept people at an arms length, I didn't allow anyone to get too close to me, this included other family members. I was taught to believe that I was unloveable, and looked down upon. As a child I buried these impressions deep inside and carried them with me well into my adult life.

I was seventeen when I met the man who would later become my husband. He was the first and only person that I had ever allowed close to me. He truly understood my pain and affliction, he made me believe that I was a beautiful person, worthy of love and affection. He became my shelter and refuge from my mother's abuse. I was eventually capable of perceiving a life for myself that was happy, and safe.

Although I had never before met my husband's family, they too were immediately against me. Maybe it was because I was taking their youngest child, or maybe they too saw the same negligibility within me as my mother. It truly felt as if I was in a constant, losing battle against the world. I began to reconsider my value, and merit; could everyone really be so wrong about me?

The very moment that I held my first born son, I knew that I had given birth to my very best friend. I promised him that I would be a good mom - the best! He would never endure the pain and suffering that I had faced. He would never question my undying, unconditional love for him. I would spend my every living moment showing this child just how amazing and wonderful that he was.

We shared some wonderful moments together, memories that we will both carry with us for the rest of our lives. We laughed, we played, we talked, and most importantly we created an unbreakable bond. Do you want to know what one of my most cherished memories with him is?

Feeding him strawberries and oatmeal at bedtime and laying beside of him, rubbing his tummy until he fell asleep. That's the one that I will take with me in my final moment.

A few years later I was blessed to give birth to my second son. Again, I knew that I had brought one of my truest friends into this world. I promised him the exact same things...I would be the absolute best mom, and he would never question my love for him.

I found myself growing up with my two boys. They taught me just as much about life as I taught them. They showed me the true meaning of love and value. They gave me the precious gift of unconditional, real, everlasting love. When they looked at me with those big blue eyes I knew that I was loved, wanted and needed more than anything else.

There were countless hours of hide-n-seek in our messy house, and laughing and playing make-believe late into the night. Talking and telling stories until we just couldn't hold our eyes open for another moment. We made forts in the living room with old sheets, just so that we could sleep beside of each other. Of course we had nice, warm beds to sleep in, but this was special to us. Sure, I woke up aching and hurting with big, dark circles under my eyes...but I wouldn't have traded it for the whole entire world.

Sleeping on that hard, unforgiving floor and telling ghost stories with only a flashlight and a package of cookies...That's the second memory that i'll be taking with me when my time on this Earth comes to an end.

The truth is, aside from being a mother, I don't know what else I was good at. I wasn't a good housekeeper, my mother was ashamed of me, my in-laws were gunning for me. I didn't have a job....but I WAS A GOOD MOM!

It didn't take long for people to realize that being a mom was were all of my pride was established, so they constantly took aim at me there. I was told that I was a horrible mother, and that my kids would be better off without me. Those words came straight from my mother, the day that she called CPS and attempted to have them taken away from me. Her attempts failed, they knew that I was a good mother, but my in-laws eventually decided to follow suit. They too tried to say that I was a terrible mother. They all tried so overwhelmingly hard to convince me that I was unfit, that I didn't deserve my boys. - But my children had already locked this truth into my heart and soul: I was a good mom! And nobody could take that away from me.

Both of my sons are now grown, and out of insecurity and uncertainty I often ask them to tell me: "Was I a good mom?"

With their arms wrapped around me and slight tears forming in our eyes they both replied: "Mom, you was the best!"

The world has taken so much from me, my confidence, self-assurance and esteem - But the one thing that nobody could ever take from me -

I was a good mom!

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