I've Learned The Horrible and Ugly Truth About What's It Like To Be A Stepparent

Nobody tells you the horrible and ugly truth about what it takes to be a good stepparent. It takes a lot of resilience and grit to make the relationship work. I would know because I am a stepmother.

My good friend recently entered a relationship with a man who has children from his previous relationship. Being a stepmom scares her, and she has all right to feel scared. It’s frightening!

Look, I’ve never expected my life to turn out this way — I never wanted to be a stepmother but now I know that’s what I needed to become to grow.

I never thought of “raising” someone else’s child or hearing things like “I don’t have to listen to you, you are not my mum!”. I don’t need that kind of thing, I am a free spirit! But now years later — I am happy that I am a stepmom.

My friend moved abroad to be with her partner because he is a father of two. It was a very brave step for her. She made sacrifices — for love.

Both of them were fed up with this long-distance relationship as they were serious about making things work. She moved, because obviously, she had no ties, while he had two cheeky, creative and sometimes very bossy 6-year-olds.

Soon enough she realized that the decision she made was tougher than she expected and that being a stepmother is hard. She started to question her relationship with her partner, her choices and mostly herself.

Women are too hard on themselves when they should not be.

As a stepmother myself I went through the “questioning” phase myself — but all I can tell my friend and all the brave new stepmother out there is to hold on. Things will get better, but before they do you need to accept a few things that you will not like.

“You are not your stepchild’s parent.Period.”

Stepmothers are very discredited for all effort and love that they put into their stepchildren. We have an awful reputation. The words “evil” and “stepmother” are embedded in our society.

Children know that too. What they also know is that you are not their parent. You will never be perceived as a parent in the eye of your stepchildren.

Even if his/her mother rarely sees them and spends less quality time with them. Even if your partner’s child calls you “Mum” — you will never have the same rights and privileges as her biological mother.

You will feel isolated. I did, sometimes I felt as if there was another family unit in my home and I am not a member. There are the experiences that only belong to my partner and his child — and I was never part of it.

Your partner has unique experiences and memories that he has shared with his children for a long time before you were in the picture. Naturally, they will reminisce about memories they shared, pictures and videos. And they should.

But you will feel like an outsider — and that’s okay too. Because the truth is — you are an outsider you have just entered a relationship that worked differently before you came into the picture.

But that feeling too shall pass, as time goes on and you will together create new memories. And you will feel whole.

“You won’t be contacted in the case of emergency.”

Stepparenting will put your self-esteem to the ultimate test. There will be times when your stepchild will ignore you and even block you. Don’t get upset.

You are adjusting to the new lifestyle and so is the child.

Sometimes the decisions in your life may be “dictated ”by the biological mother and that might frustrate you. But it’s important to find balance — and put your needs first.

I know too many newbie stepmoms whose mental health suffered in the first few months of stepparenting: they were angry, resentful and even jealous. Don’t be!

Accept the truth that sometimes you are not your partner's priority and that’s okay. Sometimes there are tough decisions to be made and your place is to support your partner in making them.

I remember I had various “roles” in our household. On great days, I was the leading lady. On not so good days I was just a stagehand. And on the darkest days, I felt as if I was not in the scene at all.

But I was wrong — I was always there.

It’s especially hard for stepmoms who become so attached to their children to think of being just “supporting” actors. After all, there is no law anchoring you to your stepfamily.

Many new stepmothers overthink their relationships. You might think that your stepchild could actually leave at any moment. Or what if your partner dumps you, so would his stepchild. In an instant, I would lose your whole new family!

And then it pains you because then you would also lose a child who you learned to love so dearly.

Don’t overthink. Live in the moment.

“At first, whatever you do — you won't impress your stepchild as much as you would like to”,

Stepchildren wish to please their parents first. They won’t be looking for advice or approval from the “newcomer”. Don’t let it get to you — it’s not personal.

The need to impress the biological parents runs on a much deeper level.

In my first year of stepparenting, my stepchild’s father was the authority figure, listening and respecting me, on the other hand, was optional. And years later it still is. But it changed — now my stepchild asks for my advice, we talk on the phone when the father isn’t present and when she wants a new haircut she asks for my approval.

It took years for my stepchild to feel this way — but the hard work was done on my part. I’ve never pushed or pressured her into talking with me. I was just there — whenever she needed me.

Learning when to step back is very important to survive in a blended family.

Learning to be physically and emotionally available when your stepchild needs you will strengthen your relationship with them in the long run.

“But you do make a difference!”

Once you establish a steady relationship with your stepchild you can become an essential contribution to their life. I know that I have a good influence on my stepchild.

I have cared for, nurtured and loved her as my own. I have supported her to open up herself creatively through arts and writting. I have taught her many things. I know she won’t give up on her dreams and talents because she has a fearless, resilient and “stubborn” stepmother by her side.

Our relationship flourishes because we both know I’m not her biological parent.

Never try to “replace” the biological mother. Let your stepchildren come to you because you are different from their mother. I am the young, attractive and fun stepmother that takes her swimming, shopping, to the cinema, opera, concerts and on top of that, I am a video games expert. Beat that!

Your stepchildren will love you more for the different experiences that you provide for them. For the non-judgemental looks and for staying silent when they’ve done wrong.

The best compliment I’ve ever received from a 9-year-old was “I want to be like you when I grow up”.

I wished to tell her, “No darling, you will be much better than I am!” — instead of “correcting” her, I thanked and hugged her.

You will doubt yourself as a stepmother and that’s okay too. It takes a lot of steps to reach the point where you won’t ever doubt your relationship with your stepchild. And when you do — it would be worth it.

Take it slowly, my dear stepmoms — one step at a time.

Thank you for reading.