Trust Me, If You Are His New Partner, Them Better Stay Away From His Ex

Have you ever been in a relationship (or know someone who is) where your partner has children from a previous relationship, and the ex is an obsessive, toxic, full-blown narcissist?

Unfortunately — I know of a few. I am a stepmother, and a proud one. I worked hard to nurture, care and ultimately love my stepchild. Many stepparents are discredited for all the effort and love that they put into their stepchildren.

Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult parenting roles to take on in a blended family. There are many amazing stepparents that do a far better job than biological parents.

My best friend is in a relationship with an amazing single father and unfortunately, his ex is continuously trying to cause issues. She is a typical scorned, angry and frustrated ex that wants to harm her ex-partner because he realized how abusive and toxic she truly was and left her.

Even though she and my friend's partner were in a very short relationship and under influence of alcohol conceived a child together, this lady still believes after 8 years that perhaps one day she will get this man back.

You see, she is obsessed with him and it’s very disturbing.

My friend is an amazing stepmother. Quite frankly she is more involved in the child’s life than the actual biological mother is. But then again the mother is a full-blown narcissist, so why would she even care about the child?

The issue is that this ex is doing all in her power to harm my friend, her ex-partner and also the child. This happens too often. Not only are the men abused by ex-partners, but the closest people become abused too.

Often this is another tactic of the abusers — to harm, eliminate and destroy the lives of the people that their target cares about.

On a daily basis, my friend who is new to stepmother contacts me because she is frustrated with her husband’s ex-partner and complains:

• “She calls, emails and texts multiple times a day without any reason!”;
• “She shows up at our house unannounced, even when we told her no to…”;
• “She stops us from seeing the children and disregards the court order!”;
• “She stalks us! I just saw her car parked outside of our house…”
• “She talks trash about me to school and to my stepchild. What the hell is wrong with her?”

Quite simply, these stepmoms want the ex to just stop and disappear and so do their partners. No man wants to tolerate this continuous abuse from someone with who he was in a relationship with. It was already the biggest mistake of his life and now it haunts him and the people he loves….

Unfortunately, if you are dealing with an obsessive ex — they never just disappear. But there are ways how to handle this situation appropriately and regain your life with your partner and be free from the ex.

“Remove yourself emotionally from the situation.”

Look it's very hard to disengage when the ex is bothering your partner and causing issues for both you and him (and the kids). But sometimes it's best for your own sanity to let your partner sort the issues between them. It is your partner who must navigate a relationship with the ex, but you don’t need to be involved in their process.

This doesn’t mean that you will stop giving him support, suggestions and be there to listen when he needs to ventilate. But most importantly don’t get emotional about the situation — because that’s exactly what the abuser wants.

The obsessive ex wants to create an emotional turmoil that will unbalance your relationship.

No way — don’t let her. You are stronger than this and you know very well that she will be soon out of the picture for good — the kids will grow up and you will never hear of her again.

“Laugh at her — because she is a joke”

It must be very hard for your partner to raise children, provide for the family, struggle emotionally and even be in a legal battle with his ex, while also thinking of you. Trust me — your partner loves you dearly, and he feels very much guilty for putting you through such a horrible experience.

If someone wants to get rid of the ex forever — it’s him more than you.

So don’t get angry with him — it’s not his fault. Find ways to laugh at the obsessive ex, taunt her, tease her, share amazing moments that you have with your partner and his children on social media, write about him, be proud and grateful for how strong of a couple you are.

The ex doesn't matter and never did.

Be there for him to support him — that’s what partners are for. Stepparents are there to help, to give support, to give courage for their partners to cope and fight together side by side against the evil forces. This attitude will not only strengthen your relationship but will ultimately scare the ex away.

Remember you two are a fearless team.

“The ex is not your problem, nor his — she can’t be fixed”

Understand that her craziness is not your problem to fix. Women are simply angrier for longer after a separation (obsessive psychotic women can be angry forever), and often they behave in more intrusive ways than do ex-boyfriends.

She just doesn’t understand that even after 20 years have passed that her ex has moved on with you. She is simply sick and treat her this way. If you think that perhaps reaching out to her will smooth the situation, it won’t.

Sometimes the ex might seem to display affection to you and even perhaps try to befriend you — don’t engage. Quite often they try these tactics so so they can gather information about you and misuse it later. Don’t fall for it.

You are not her friend or therapist. It’s up to the ex to fix herself if she wants to— your job is to focus on yourself and your family.

“You and your partner come first, always”

Ultimately be patient. This is a long process and it might take you years to learn how to just not give a damn. But eventually, you will learn and master it and then you will realize the ultimate truth — you and your partner come first.

You must stay healthy, strong and resilient because someone needs to be the role model for the kids. And that power couple is you! Because that's what's in the best interest of the children.

The actions caused by the ex narcissist make children suffer. Protect them by not engaging with them. Show the kids that they can always depend on you two no matter what — no smear campaign, threats, anger or stalking will threaten that.

“Don’t feel embarrassed to talk about it”

Let your family and friends know what is going on. Tell everyone that your partner’s ex is creating trouble. Confide in others — join stepparenting groups, take on counselling, read books.

Remember you are not alone. Unfortunately, it is very common for obsessive women to target their ex-partner's new partners. But it will not last forever and you can get over it stronger than ever.

“And if you really have to — go to the police”

Above all, making your personal safety is the most important. It might be appropriate for you and your partner to put a restraining order against his ex. Even if the situation is not too serious, it doesn’t mean it won’t get serious.

Go with your gut feeling, if you have already issued warnings but the ex hasn’t stopped harassing you and is getting more agitated then I suggest going to the police.

Even if your partner’s ex has not directly physically harmed you, having your case on record with the police will help both you and your partner (and children) to fall back on something.

Never underestimate a scorned woman.

On a positive note, always remember she is the ugly past — you two are the beautiful future.

Thank you for reading.