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I'm Sorry I Couldn't Get Hard For You

When porn-induced ED finally arrives

By Stephen PhillipsPublished 2 years ago 3 min read
I'm Sorry I Couldn't Get Hard For You
Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

In September 2016, I met a woman here in Los Angeles. She was a few years older than me and from Australia. I got her number in a grocery store in Santa Monica, like a scene from Californication.

This isn’t a story of seduction, however. It’s a story of how I started watching pornography again, and lots of it.

After I broke up with my girlfriend in March of that year, I began to use it regularly. From April to fall, I masturbated to porn at least two to three times per day. I only took days off in order to recover a little. I wanted to numb the pain of losing her without spending money on other drugs.

Unbeknownst to me, I was setting myself up for a showdown with the effects of the life I was choosing. I was getting ready to meet the monster I had slowly created.

I kissed and hugged that woman our first night out in Venice. I felt a hunger to be with her. She told me it would happen soon.


Weeks later, one Saturday after a beach outing in Malibu, we drove back to her apartment as the sun was setting. She was cooking dinner and I was invited. I had some vintage wine I wanted she and her friends to taste.

As the evening wore on, it became quite clear she wanted to have sex with me. She whispered it when everyone left, and it was only the two of us standing in the tiny kitchen.

Only, after an hour of foreplay, of undressing each other, falling into each other, of moving from the couch to the bedroom, of starting and stopping too many times to count, it also became clear that there would be no penetration as part of the act.

I couldn’t get an erection, not even half of one. We fooled around a bit more and went to sleep.

In the morning, the same thing happened. Eventually, we put our clothes on, made breakfast and parted ways.

By charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

This is the point in the story where, on other days, I would say I learned my lesson and that it never happened again. Only it didn’t not happen again. That night in Santa Monica was only beginning.

It happened the following month with a woman I tried to have a one-night stand with. It happened on Halloween weekend when I went to Dallas for a job interview. It also happened with a woman I met online and dated in the fall, and after she ended things, it happened with another one I went out with during the holidays before Christmas.

After we stopped seeing each other in January, I thought I was in the clear. Then it happened with a woman who, in her own words, was so turned on by me I was driving her crazy.

I couldn't have sex with her and she broke things off. I ghosted her and jacked masturbated to Pornub later that night.

By DANNY G on Unsplash

Having a relationship with porn while pursuing women is a dangerous game. I don’t recommend it. Sooner or later, something will implode.

Imagine being in one of these scenarios while unable to perform sexually. Imagine wanting to experience the depth of sex while unable to cross the bridge that penetration invites.

It’s a devastating thing for a man to go through. The only thing worse is knowing that you’re the one who caused it.

God sure knew what her was doing when he created women, though. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful, more gracious in the eyes of defeat.

By Stefan Spassov on Unsplash

To all the men struggling with porn, don’t wait until it’s spelled out for you in black and white. Don’t wait until what makes you feel most alive are images on a computer screen.

Absolutely don’t wait until the only thing that makes you erect is the dopamine rush from those same images. Don’t undress a woman if you know she can’t compete with the pixels in the hard drive of your mind.

By the time I realized porn-induced erectile dysfunction was part of my life, it was also part of the lives of eight different women in the same amount of months.

By Maddi Bazzocco on Unsplash

I'm sorry I couldn't get hard for them. For the frustration and confusion. I'm sorry to be a part of something that can never be undone.

Most of all, I'm sorry that the reason it happened was because of my own, extinguished desires. In the moment, I couldn't find them. At least now I know that pornography kills them, and what it takes to bring them back to life.


About the Creator

Stephen Phillips

Black coffee and late night flights. ☕️✈️✨

📧: [email protected].

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Reader insights

Nice work

Very well written. Keep up the good work!

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    Stephen PhillipsWritten by Stephen Phillips

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