I'm Enough For Me

My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. Sure, we had our ups and downs like everyone did, but I thought things were better. I thought things were good. I thought we were moving forward toward closing the 2000 miles between us. So, what do I do? I confront him. Something I am not good at. But I was feeling strong and excited and confident. So, why not? I loved him. Wanted to be near him. So I took a chance. What do I get in response?

"I think I need a break."

A break? Seriously? No warning signs, no communication, nothing. But, maybe there were and I just couldn't see them. Maybe I was blind to him. Maybe he was crying out for help and I was too focused on my own self pity that I didn't see. I don't know. And I could sit here all day and try to figure it out, but the fact of the matter is that I will probably never know.

So we took a week break. And at the end of that week, he sent me a text ending it. A text. Yep, you read that right. 3 years together and a text. But, maybe he was too scared to do it in person. Maybe he thought he was sparing me by being cold. Maybe this, maybe that. I have gone through every possible scenario for why he would disrespect me like that. But again... I will probably never know.

And you know what? Maybe I'm not supposed to know. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe this is what I needed to start working on myself and start prioritizing myself and my wellbeing, instead of him. Because let me tell you, I haven't prioritized myself in years. So here we go.

So if you have had similar or completely different break ups, let this be your sign to start focusing on yourself. You're worth it.

So what am I doing? I started working out again, I'm going to run a marathon, I am going on a trip by myself to refocus. These are all things I have wanted to do but have been too scared to because it would mean I need to focus on myself and my health. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I've been dealing with mental health issues for as long as I can remember and I have used it as a crutch for just as long. Sure, sometimes are better than others and I fight it, but the majority of the time, I let it rule me and make me feel like I am a loser, weak, pathetic, unlovable. Enough of that, here we go!

I realize that it will be a long road to healthy, but I think that if you are going to pursue that journey, you just have to start. There is no way I could plan out the exact steps I need to take to get to healthy, because those steps may change and then I am going to feel like I am failing and give up. So I am planning in the moment with goals for long term. Like the marathon.

I am most likely not going to get my answers I thought I needed from him to move on. To heal. He doesn't want to give them, and that's his choice. But what I do need to do is just focus on what I need from myself to move on. Be okay without the apology. Be okay without the reasons. Be okay with accepting the reality. And the reality is, I am enough for me.