I'm a gambling addict.

Hey.

My name is Billie, I'm freshly 30 and I'm a gambling addict.

I don't know how to start this piece entirely, and I have no doubt with how uncomfortable I feel about my confession, this piece will not flow but we're going with it for the sake of awareness and relatability.

I'm a big believer in sharing, because you never know who is going through something similar.

I guess for me, It started when I met my partner.

He places football coupons and growing up in a family of all boys too, I've been surrounded by sports anyway.

I'm by no means placing any blame on anyone, more so reflecting on how it is exactly that I came to be confessing in an online writing platform about a newly understood gambling addiction.

It started off as a small bet here and there on the basketball, where on one occassion I won £500.

I've also won onwards of £2,000 this week, with nothing to show for it due to spending the money coming in, on online bingo and scratchcards.

In all honesty, there's a lot of guilt I'm sitting with right now.

I'm unemployed with a 1 year old and a really supportive partner (albeit one that likely I suspect has an addiction of his own).

The level of shame is next level and the fear, is something I've never known before, given that I've just gambled our rent away.

And that's the reality of gambling addictions. I don't know why I didn't recognise it sooner, perhaps due to a lacking in awareness of how much I was really spending.

I've just banned myself for the 3 sites I was using to play. Permanently.

I'll never be welcome at Tombola, Mecca Bingo or Bingo games again and by choice.

I could cry as I write this piece, just with the overwhelming amount of emotion I feel right now.

I'll have to explain why, so close to christmas, I can't pay our rent without diving into the overdraft I've just gotten out of which is the shining light in my case of self awareness.

Because the thing is, In all of this, I know instantly what I need to reflect on and heal from.

No addiction comes without trauma, trust me and my 18 years of psychotherapy.

When I was a kid, we never had any money and my dad spent it largely on alcohol. You know where I'm going with that, so I won't dive into it too much but ultimately it meant my mum leaving and us living hand to mouth until I was in my early 20's and working too.

As an adult, this means that I need to make sure we've always got a stream of money coming in and being unemployed right now, there'sm a steady stream but it's not much.

Enough to be appreciative and for additional entertainments, but not enough to give my little one the life I never had.

I don't know where I'm going with this piece, because this is entirely new territory for me but... I've said it out loud or at least put it on paper, so now for the tricky part.

Sobriety?

I don't even know what they'd call it in relation to gambling.

One thing I do want to say, is I will be seeking help.

I've spent £518 this month alone on bingo.

Never mind the scratchcards.

So with that being said, if there's anyone else out there like me... struggling, suffering, reflecting.. drop a comment.

Let's connect because it takes a little work to create the very same village that'll lift and grow with you through hard times.