I left my husband when the pandemic hit

It was April of 2020 when I finally decided to leave my husband for good. I had no idea where I was going, but I was leaving it all behind for something new. Needless to say this was a difficult decision considering I had severe anxiety at the time.

He had pushed me too far this time. I had been a ghost to him for five years. I could tolerate being ignored, gaslighted, even manipulated, but I would never let him have a second chance to put his hands on me.

I left with like $300 in my account, $150 in a GoFundMe fundraiser from some amazing women in Hawaii, with Shipt and Instacart as my employers. I had decided previously to purchase a new car, so as long as I had groceries to deliver, I could go anywhere I wanted. Grocery delivery was abundant with the onset of the pandemic.

I packed the car while he was at work, although I had to wait until after lunch just in case he decided to come home and eat. The noon hour came to pass and I began to load the car. I moved quickly as I was worried one of the neighbors would text him at any given time. I packed hard for an hour and a half.

I gassed up at the neighborhood station with all eyes on me. I was feeling empowered as I was popping the hatch snapping photos of my great escape. I noticed men around me watching me. Since my ex had tons of friends in the area, I just had myself convinced that one of them knew my husband. I took off to a cheap hotel two towns away to stay my first night alone in almost ten years.

I had a false sense of ease as I laid down that first night. I was in the honeymoon phase of having left. I ran a hot tub full of epson salts and essential oils just trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay. Boy did I have myself fooled.

My mastermind idea was that I could earn money doing deliveries during the day, grab an apartment and move on with my life. There were some things I had not thought through before leaving. The most important of which was that I had horrible credit besides the fact that I had no rental history for the previous five years. The house had been in his name only so I kept getting rejections from every rental application. I was spending $25-$50 to apply at these places when money was sparse in the first place.

I had no option left. I had to go to an AirBnB. I finally broke down and began looking for something more affordable than my hotel room was costing weekly. I found a place in Milford, Ohio, for $150 a week. It was in a storybook neighborhood, well, at least I thought it was a storybook when I got there. Not so much.

By the time I reached this point, the restaurants had basically all but closed down. If everyone is wondering where all the restaurant and service employees went, we all went to gig work. I know that kind of freedom and income was too good for me when I was working at Amazon warehouse. Unfortunately my $1000 weeks had dwindled down to $250 a week if I was lucky.

My panic attacks were off the charts by this time. I was still taking Vyvanse for my ADHD which had driven my blood pressure to some insane levels. I was tapped out. I was burnt out. I was lonely and I needed money. Through one of the wives in the neighborhood where my AirBnB was located, I found out about OnlyFans & Ashley Madison. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, right? Well since I had been sexually abused and assaulted multiple times to some really dark places, I was actually relieved I could receive money for just showing myself and not having to let anyone touch me. I was beginning to feel more confident and proud of myself.

With that being said I often took evening walks around that beautiful neighborhood. I wanted to enjoy the beauty and take solace in the fact that I had overcome another long day. I began noticing that I was getting the stink eye from a few of the neighborhood women. I would pass someone walking, greet them, and never receive an answer. I was wondering if they knew about me being on OnlyFans and maybe felt a bit threatened by me. I brushed it off and figured I was just being paranoid. I was active as hell on Ashley Madison having listed myself as separated and looking. I had several men in the area reply and I actually met up with one gentleman. We were both simply lonely people looking for physical affection. I never gave it any more thought.

The problem was, the ladies in the neighborhood did know about the OnlyFans, but they never knew about the Ashley Madison account. The night I left for Texas and handed the key back to the AirBnB owner, she told me the truth when I asked. They knew about the OnlyFans account. For God’s sake no wonder they all hated me. I felt like a whore for the first time in my life. Even after men abused me sexually for decades, I felt ashamed.

I have thought long and hard about setting some women free in these so-called storybook Victorian home type neighborhoods. It wasn’t me making me feel like a whore, it was them. I had no shame at all about making what little money I made from using OnlyFans. In my mind I was more concerned with what they were all going to do when they found out their storybook lives are not so storybook after all.

The truth of the matter is, I had manifested a whole neighborhood of sexual predators. It was a wake up call to realize I had to get the hell out of there. These poor women who made a poor habit of getting together nightly drinking wine and gossiping about me were completely blind. Their seemingly perfect lives were not so perfect after all. Their husbands secretly create accounts online they have no idea about. Burner phones to receive messages from their hookups.

It has taken me over two years to heal enough to begin telling my story, but I decided women need to be aware of what’s going on behind their backs. It can appear that everything is going smoothly and everyone is happy and content. This can be a smokescreen that women usually don’t even notice. We want to believe everything is going good. This is a reminder to you. Cover your own ass. If your money is in his name, move it. Get your own checking account and debit card. You do not know what men are capable of until you are in that moment.