"I Know What I Saw..."

We got to the club around ten and did our usual, chasin’ the women and all that, but we kept drinkin’ for a while. Check it out, there were these chicks sittin’ in a lounge area and there was this one that had these big-ass—she had large breasts. I asked her to dance and we had danced together a good while when she invited me to her place. She was fine, too, well, in the club anyway.”

I could see Kim beginning to snicker anticipating his next words. “Yeah, so I told Adam and the other guy that was with us I was gone and I’d catch up to them another time, and I left with her. She drove me up to her place and she lived up in the attic in this little house. It looked like she had just moved in because there was shit—excuse me, stuff everywhere; boxes and all that. She had a mattress on the floor so I was like, cool. I wanna say it was like two in the morning and I was real fucked up—‘scuse my mouth, but I gotta tell it like this.”

“No problem, Arnold,” Kim said as she chuckled.

“Peep this, you know them body-shaper things?”

“You mean, like Spanx?”

“Yeah, that’s what they call ‘em now, but anyway this was some different type o’ shit. Well, honey took off the dress and I saw like butt pads and I was like, what the fuck?!”

That was the breaking point because Kim had lost it. “Oh my goodness, Arnold you are sick!” She kept laughing and Rufus, noticing she was enjoying the story, kept the momentum up.

“Then, she pulled it down and stepped out of it. I was smokin’ some good ass weed she gave me and I took a few tokes and put it in the ashtray. When I looked up as she was walkin’ away and I could not see a crack. No—ass—crack—at—all.”

Kim was crying and laughing at the same time. I think Rufus had made an impression on her and she was totally in the moment. Like I said, it was the funniest damn story I ever heard and still laughed every time, and he still wasn’t finished.

“Hey, listen to me now, you know how you close your eyes real-real tight and try to open them and shake off the high? That was me ‘cause I could hardly believe it. Her ass was flat and all cottage cheesy and wobbly, and no crack! I was like, how does she shit? I know I was high and drunk and all that, but I know what I saw. The chick went to the bathroom or somewhere and I knew I had to get the fuck outta there. So I had taken off my pants and was trying to put them on and run at the same time, and I ended up stumblin’ and fell on the floor. I got up and went to the door and pulled on the knob. You know it was one of those doors that lock with a key from the inside? I panicked and started yankin’ on the door and shit, I even tried to put my foot up and hold on to pull the damn door off to get out. I think paranoia had set in by then because I was so scared and I couldn’t get out that I just sat by the door and cried. I promised God that if He let me out that house I wouldn’t do drugs ever again.”

I was laughing so hard no sound was coming out; just air from more a heave than a laugh. I was doubled over and it was all I could do to breathe at this point. Kim was now holding herself and laughing uncontrollably at this uproariously funny story.

My stomach was in knots and began to cramp from the constant laughter. I think Rufus was enjoying make Kim laugh.

“She came back from the bathroom and saw me sitting there, lookin’ pitiful and fucked up. After she tried to convince me to stay and couldn’t, she finally let me out. I threw up on somebody’s car and started running down the street in my shoes and suit I kept lookin’ back to see if the bitch was comin’. I was real scared, man. I was lookin’ like that muh-fucka in that movie Platoon that had got left behind and was gettin’ shot up and shit by the Vietcong, still tryna run but kept on stumblin’. Or like that dude in Ghost that was running from Patrick Swayze. Yo, that was me, man. I almost shitted on myself. I finally flagged down a cab about two miles later and went home.”

Kim screamed as she sought to calm herself while wiping her eyes. She said, “Arnold, I had no idea you were so funny! Oh my goodness! So, did you ever do drugs after that?”

“As God is my judge I ain’t touched a drop. I drink and have a cigarette every now and again, but I don’t mess with no drugs. After that? Nah. ”