I fear happiness

"Happiness is not out there, it's in you."

As I've grown older I begin to realize many things about myself, but one I hadn't yet realized was my fear to be happy. I suppose in my subconscious mind I had always known, but it's now made its way to the forefront. I was watching a video on Youtube titled "Why I am afraid to be happy." by Kari Morton. If you have time I would definitely go and watch it, really gets you thinking.

My own personal realization was I've basically been afraid to be happy since I was probably 5 or 6 years old. I know that sounds sad, but it's true. I had a lot of uncertainty when I was younger, and I began to put together that every-time I felt any happiness something bad automatically followed. This is in no way fault to my parents, they always did the best with what they had.

"There is comfort in sadness because there will be less people willing to take that away from you."

I remember few moments in my life when I let go and felt truly happy, and the very last time I did, proved to me why I found comfort in sadness. My grandma had recently passed that year, and I was with a boyfriend at the time whom I thought I was going to marry. I remember thinking that even through these dark times I still had him to help me, and I felt content and happy. Then I woke up one day, and he decided that he wasn't happy and broke up with me on what would have been her birthday that same year.

After that I told myself that this is exactly why I never get content and happy because something always comes along to mess it up. Looking back all these years later I know it was a blessing in disguise. I began to realize that happiness comes from within you, and not other people or material things in life. Even knowing that I still feel comfortable being sad, or just neutral because it's what I know how to control.

"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness."

For my journey I realize that alot of my comfort in sadness is I have little love for myself. I have always chased happiness in many forms, and in the end I found myself back at square one. I always thought if I had this item, had more money, a new job, a place to myself I would be happier. I achieved a lot of this, and I was happy in that moment. Then the dopamine of those experiences wore off and I sat and wondered why don't I feel happy.

I began to really sit with myself, I started to see how I thought of myself. Or how I would compare myself to other people and those things alone would bring down any happiness I was able to achieve. It takes a lot of work but how we talk and think of ourselves plays such a big role in how we feel. While you won't always be perfectly happy in life, it's important to look at the smallest things to be grateful for. As well as just love yourself, flaws and all. Every human on this planet has flaws, and I wish that was talked about more. Instead we are brought up to think we have to be perfect or we aren't going to be happy.

At the end of the day life will always have its ups and downs, but I hope everyone including myself can start being more comfortable with being happy rather than sad. It doesn't mean that every aspect of life has to be perfect, but to find happiness in even the simplest thing. But to also realize that it is okay to be sad, angry, or whatever emotion you feel, just know that it won't last forever.