Being Alone

"If you learn to really sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift that it is, you will realize that a little loneliness goes along way in creating a richer, deeper, more vibrant, colorful you." -Mandy Hal

I feel like I have always been a loner in some since. I love hanging out with my friends, but I need about a month to recharge my social battery. Growing up I honestly thought I knew what it meant to be alone. After actually experiencing it now, I look back and realize that I knew I liked to take alone time. But I was never truly alone. I should preface with I still have friends and family here for me, but they are all living their lives which is what happens as we grow older.

A lot of people I know started realizing they needed to fix themselves, heal themselves and spend some time alone when they were in their 20s. My 20s where a dumpster fire, to say the least. As much as I know I don't want to relive those years, I am thankful for them now. They not only shaped me into the person I am now, but they truly made look at the person I was and what I needed to heal from.

"The strongest ones bleed in silence, have no one applauding their growth, having no one watching their healing process. They bloom in silence."

Fast forward to 2021, I am about to turn 34. I go off on what I thought was going to be the trip of a life time for my birthday, but it ends up being the trip that would catapult me into a journey I never knew I needed. I was in Hawaii with my best friend of over 20 years, and another best friend that had been in my life for 13 years. Long story short there was mis communication and some other events happening where both friends had to fly home early and I was left in Hawaii alone.

This was the first time I had ever been this far away from home alone, and I was feeling devastated. My friend of 20 years, I understood why she had to leave, but my other friendship was ending and I didn't know at the time how to process it. So I stayed on the beach at Waikiki and started reflecting on the current events of my life.

"Be brave enough to heal yourself even when it hurts."

It wasn't until I arrived home and sat with myself in my apartment that everything truly started to hit me. I no longer had many distractions to keep me away from all I had been running from a lot of my life. I began realizing how different my life was compared to all my friends. I always heard about people experiencing the darkest parts of your mind, and I never realized what that meant until this point in my life.

I started reflecting on many parts of my life that I never dealt with, which included many people that had passed away. I hadn't processed their death, and I began to realize in some of these situations I was actually a very toxic person to these people. It was a hard pill to swallow, but also made accept that even though it hurt I was the toxic person I had unresolved issues I didn't even realize at the time.

"Believe you can and you're halfway there."

Even though this has been a hard journey that I am still going through and processing, a positive that I can say is I am finally learning to live for myself. I am doing things I love despite what others have told me in the past. I am accepting that I am not a perfect person, and those that are meant to be in my life will be regardless.

I am learning to love my own company, even in the loneliest and darkest of times. I know not everyone experiences this type of journey of finding themselves, but if you ever do find yourself in this situation just remember you're not alone. It may not be easy but I promise its worth it.