I draw a line

I am someone who stands outside the “normal”. I wake up at 5 (or earlier) a.m., I walk first thing first, then train at the gym, then go back home and start working. After work to unwind I don’t watch TV, I don’t scroll the social media, I don’t go out and drink: I read, I write, I listen to audio books or podcasts. I don’t go to the cinema to watch movies, I don’t like to eat out, and I don’t like to travel that much. I don’t feel the need to go on holiday, to stop my routine and do something else, to stop working and relax for weeks every year. I enjoy my days, from Monday to Sunday, I do what I like the most and so I’m content and at peace. I don’t need anything else. I don’t have many friends, I’m not too social, I struggle to make new connection. I’m basically a weirdo.

Yet somehow, I still want to be part of the norm, to be someone like the others, to fit in. And so I always went outside of my boundaries, always tried to do things to align with other people, to make them content. I didn’t realise until later on, that it was damaging me in a way I couldn’t understand. I was denying my true self, in order to accomplish and satisfy other people. I was denying myself of the things I like the most, to do the things that other people like doing. I was giving priority to other’s people satisfaction rather than mine.

As soon as I realised it, I decided I should “draw a line”. And so I did, quite literally, and also figuratively. Literally as I went and had a tattoo, on my finger, of a straight line (picture above). There is more than one meaning to that tattoo, but the one I’m talking about right now is this:

I drew a line, that line signals my limits, where I am not willing to go beyond for other’s people pleasure. But the vice-versa also applies, I don’t want other people to go beyond their limits to accomplish my satisfaction.

A clear example is what is happening right now in the near-New-Year-Eve’s situation.

A bit of background: as I wake up at 5 am in the morning, my meals are shifted hours before compared to people who wakes up at 8-9 in the morning just for work. I prioritise huge and heavy meals at the beginning of my day, so I have a good meal before my workout (usually a meal replacement drink that allows me to get food in without being heavy on my stomach while working out), and another good one right after, to give all the nutrients to my muscles to recover and grow as I want them to. My last meal of the day - what everyone calls dinner - is at lunch time, and is usually not that heavy on carbs, but still voluminous.

Given this routine I have, it’s hard for me to align with other people’s plan for holidays: New Year’s Eve dinner, Christmas dinner, New Year’s Eve celebration, etc…

A close person was planning to come visit me during the holidays and spend a few days, with New Year’s Eve included here with me. But she’s a night owl. So things get complicated. She would like me to spend the majority of her day(s) with her, meaning being awake until late at night, and also to have dinner(s) out, at or after 8 p.m., and to stay awake really late on New Year’s Eve to celebrate and do something different from the other nights.

But I’m not willing to. I told this person I would stay up later than usual - and celebrate - on New Year’s Eve, having a - what for me is - late dinner that night, but that it would be my limit. I’m not going to spend nights up and having meals later in the day just to align with someone else. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with this person, on the contrary. I miss her much and I would love to but I know (from experience) that if I go outside of my routine and standards for more than once in a while I suffer. I can have a dinner with others, knowing I would sleep bad that night, but I don’t want to do it more than once in a row. If I sleep bad at night I wake up feeling unwell, not only physically but also mentally: I’m in a bad mood, I’m sluggish, I answer with bad tones; and since I care about this person, I don’t want two dinners to possibly ruin a few days together because of the mood I’d be in after that.

On the other hand, I know her boundaries, and I won’t even ask her to wake up with me, train with me at 6 a.m., and go to sleep early in the day. I know she wouldn’t enjoy that, and that’s her boundaries, her line I don’t want het to cross.

Years ago I would have agreed on her conditions, and would have sacrificed my wellbeing and health to be “more social”, to be “normal”, to be “like others” and go with what other peoples do. Not anymore. That is my line I won’t cross.

I would love to spend the hours where the both of us are awake together, and “sacrifice” my sleep for 1 night to spend time with this person, but she’s not willing to do the same, her line is narrower than mine, apparently, or she simply doesn’t see the point in coming to visit me if we can’t spend the entire days together. I can understand that, and I’m not forcing her to, or not even trying too hard to change her mind. I accept her decision, her choice, her standards, but I now expect the same from everyone else towards me.

I hope I won’t be - and feel judge - my speaking up and taking a stand in these situations, as it would really hurt a lot to hear something on the lines of

Why cannot you do like everyone else? Why can’t you be like normal people?

I’ve heard this so many times now, I wish no one would have to hear that ever again. It hurts.

We are all “equal”, we are all “normal”, in our own way. And there isn’t a right or wrong way to be, there is only a wrong way to act: align yourself against yourself and in line with people different from you.

I’ll try to meet people and find other persons who, like me, have similar standards and routines, so we won’t be judging ourselves for what we do and for the choices we make in our life; I wish everyone will find a group of people that are like them, in order to feel appreciated, “normal”, and “like the others”.