I bang my head twice

I..

Bang

Once.

I..

Bang

Twice.

I look up... Is he there?

No.

Okay, sometimes I do it a third time.

I..

Bang

third.

Now, I usually would expect a young man who moved next door to me a few months ago to embrace his energy to someone he is cluelessly in love with, (me). I would usually see a faint shadow on the white wall below the house's stairs, which was my indication of his presence coming downstairs to see me. Since then, we started communicating through the window. I could sit here and wait for him all day till he comes downstairs to see me. Impatiently in-love?

Finally, there he is!

Stomp, stomp, stomp, jump down. Then he grabs onto the knob of the stair to swing around the stairs like he's a kite. Could there be a more dramatic way to walk downstairs? But it's okay, I get to see that lost happiness turn into a smile as soon as our eyes meet.

Yes, maybe some people call me an attention-seeking whore...

But ultimately, it's not like I was hurting anyone...but myself.

All I was doing was banging my head on the wall to get his attention.

I understand my friend's perspective of seeing an unhinged boy who doesn't care about anything but his mum and can move on from me any day. But I'm optimistic about change. What if I'm the accessory he needs in his life?

And that's when my friends would call me crazy.

But hey, it's not like his melancholy that turns into a smile, fades after he walks away from me...

"You make my day."- He's mouthing his words from the window across from me.

"YOU make my day."- I mouth back.

Although the original name is 'sign language' I like to think of it as a language that he and I made up. It feels like a love language that is helping our relationship grow stronger.

I essentially only had 2 months to grow this relationship. His family was planning on moving away much closer to the city, I knew I had to go beyond. He could fool me once, but he can't fool me twice...

Sometimes I just felt like a pawn in his game. I felt as if my worth was beneath him, that's why my friends view him as selfish. I thought if I went beyond his game that only existed in his world, I could beat everyone else and be the remaining pawn in his life.

I needed to do something no trust fund could buy. I needed to follow the wind and do something crazy. I needed to show how much I cared about this working.

But nothing worked. That's the thing. NOTHING WORKED.

I remember the day he was leaving, and it felt like I wasted my chance to pursue our relationship.

Yes, I tried. Yes, he is difficult. All boys are difficult.

You realise all fathers don't have their life figured out any more than their sons do.

He didn't even tell me he was leaving the next day after he was acting strange towards me. But I did for sure give him a goodbye he certainly won't forget...

The day he was leaving. I had a handful of small stones clutched in my fingers.

The contrast stare between my face and his window was stern.

I remember I wanted to bang my head so hard I would die, just to see if he would care.

Instead of having two rocks like the two bangs I used to conduct on the wall, I have a third rock just in case.

I drew back my arm and hurled a rock, wincing at the sharp crack as it struck the glass.

Again and again, I throw the stones, each one accompanied by a broken sob. The glass splintered and shattered under my onslaught, shards falling to the ground below like glittering teardrops.

Now the glass window that held the intertwine of our hearts understands my pain. The way the glass shattered, was exactly how my heart felt.

They can call me crazy, but I can't control how love treats me~

~~~~~

Authors Notes:

Thank you so much for reading my story/confession! 💓

Don't do things for people who don't serve you anything!! :)