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How to quiet the constant fear?

by Maya Sparrow 11 months ago in Family
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The noise from an anxious mind

I’m afraid , I’m worried that at this point in my life I won’t be able to change from what damaged me . It just seems the more I fight to be different the harder everything is , I love challenges I love to be challenged but to my absolute breaking point ? Is that really necessary? I’m afraid that it’s too late to make friends and that I pass that feeling of regret , shame and hurt down to my children . Why do I always feel like killing myself ? Why do I always feel less than worthy of what I know I deserve ? Why is it so hard to find someone that can love me in-spite of my mental health taking a toll on my appearance and just everything . I love my mom and grandparents . But my mom doesn’t make me feel wanted unless she was a good laugh then I’m her gyal. I never felt truly beautiful or like a princess no matter how many times I heard it because they were always just words . The actions were so different and I resent my mother for not getting help for herself to be stronger and not put her kids through all of what we went through . Then on top of that make it so hush hush that we had to hurt in silence . In our own ways , never speaking about it until the seeds were planted and grew. By then it was instilled in us to suppress beyond what physically felt comfortable. Always pushing people away and never being able to hold onto friendships let alone relationships that might’ve done us good . No we clung to emotionally abusers because it was what we were taught . My grandparents I love them with all my heart but they just don’t understand no matter how much I talk to them . It’s that Generational wall, they’re from a time we’re you could speak about how you feel but honestly just get your shit together . Or money can fix what you feel if you work hard at a dead end jobs you can overwork yourself at the good ones and make something of yourself . Which leads me down another serious of dark holes . Perfection anxiety if I can’t do anything perfect or like I’ve seen I’m pissed and don’t even want to do it . Like today at training he made me run for the first time since I last saw him and I hated it it made me feel like shit it made me feel sloppy it made me feel ugly I was out of breathe by the fourth sprint down and back . I felt that I wasn’t good enough to be in the fire department or to even try out again I could just never get in the shape I needed to be but then also always having my kids with me is a distraction and stressful . Although I moved and I feel better and don’t feel completely smothered with loneliness like I felt when I was with my family , it just keeps reminding me that I don’t have the support I want and o probably never will from anywhere . There dad doesn’t help and he can’t because he continues to live with his mother who is a controlling witch and I will never allow my kids over there again . My mom can’t have them stay because my youngest sister is my daughters molester and I won’t give her another try at my children . My grandparents are older and are worried about contracting Covid because my gmas immune system is weak . My uncle and I are not close because of his wife but I don’t deny my girls access but they don’t communicate either . For once I just want people that want me , that want to check on me not me always having to make the move to them . I want more love and I want caring and I want better for my daughters but so far I feel as though I’m failing . They have no friends and I can’t afford they’re daycare anymore , and I can’t put them in anything anymore because I have Continuous bills . I want to start businesses but without support I just seem to have anxiety attacks and freeze and feel horrible . When will it end , I want it to end . I never get the option to breakdown because If I do my kids see , I never get the option to call for back up because it’s honestly only one sister that comes to my aid and I hate not paying her and over using her all the time .

Family

About the author

Maya Sparrow

Just an energetic fire ball whose ready to get the ball rolling with damn near anything art like .

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