How Boy Bands Saved My Life

I don’t remember much about my childhood anymore. I think I was happy, mostly. Except even then I sobbed whenever I made a mistake, a foreshadowing of the anxiety disorder I would one day develop, so deeply consuming that it would haunt me in everything I went. Around puberty, I started to crumble. There were many reasons, not the least being simple biology. My parents fought frequently and I needed something to drown them out, to help me escape for a moment. I needed to be able to find peace in the chaos of my house. I needed to find freedom.

I found my salvation in the form of a boy band. I did not pay much attention to them in the 90s as most of my childhood was in Spanish, but the Jonas Brothers captivated me with their perky songs and attractive faces. Joe Jonas was my first celebrity crush, the person that made people realize I was not ‘broken’ because I was late to develop an attraction to a guy. I stayed devoted to them as a distraction. It was much easier to focus on their scandals than on my father’s affair or my mother’s pedophilic father. Pop stars were not close enough to hurt me.

Once the Jonas Brothers lost my attention, I moved on to the British Invasion. I fell in love with a band called McFly, which played instruments and told raunchy jokes. I was drawn to them by sheer loneliness, as my best friend had abandoned me and my parents still fought all the time. I needed something of my own that had nothing to do with acting as a second mother to my sisters. So, I clung to McFly and their catchy tunes and charming personalities. One of them developed a drinking problem, but he got better. I could get better.

True love came in the form of One Direction. I abandoned everything I had ever known before the second I found One Direction, a British boy band. It was the first boy band my sisters also liked, giving us a sense of community. One Direction was there for me when I had my first panic attack, playing during late nights when I had others. I stayed up to listen to their British interviews because it gave me something to look forward to. For the length of an album, they could provide me an escape.

One Direction, much like my former best friend, had terrible timing. They broke up when I needed them the most, just like my best friend lost contact with me when my family started having financial problems and I had found out about my parents’ less than stellar lives. One Direction had not been used to drown out screaming, just the voices in my head that told me I was worthless, that I was not going to be alright. What was I supposed to do once they were gone, once there was nothing new to offer? What was I supposed to do without them?

I went to graduate school. It was my first attempt. I was in El Paso, thousands of miles away from home, from my family, from anyone I knew. There was a sea of people that looked like me and I still did not feel like I fit in. Donald Trump became president, I had several episodes a day, and I began to doubt myself again. The voices would not stop. I had been in bad places before, but I always managed to pull myself back up. I could not really do so this time. I was at rock bottom.

A roommate introduced me to kpop. I had grown up knowing what it was, but I had never really listened to it. But it was comforting. I had grown up around a lot of Asians and Asian culture. It was a part of my identity. Developing an interest made us grow closer. The voices would not shut up because they were trying to tell me something important this time. I was making a mistake. I was not supposed to be there. That was not my path. But the world sent me kpop so the very painful message could hurt a little less.

I have had other rock bottoms, other moments were the voices were so loud they made me want to curl up into a ball. But I still have kpop and its plethora of boy bands. I have something to make the day a little easier. It is the soundtrack to my recovery, the latest accompaniment to my origin story. It is the sounds of me still being here. It is the sounds of me not going away, no matter what is in my head. It is my fight song. It is the sound of happiness.