Him

Dreaming of you. Who are you and why do I keep dreaming of you? You take many forms, but the vibes are always the same. Whether or not you are someone I know or a complete stranger I always dream of you. Local celebrities that are on my mind or a minor crush that I pass by on the street and think that you are cute. Why are you haunting my dreams and why do I feel so guilty about it? Whenever I dream and then pass by one of the people, I dreamed you being, I always feel a rush that normally never comes over me. What is this rush and why do I crave it? I crave the closeness and the connection but is that so wrong? To want someone who can step into your soul and physical being and take away all word and thoughts you might have.

Do you exist and where? I try to hide but the feelings keep coming back over and over again. I read your words and listen to the sound of your voice and just melt inside. Its's intoxicating. If you were around, you would be my everything. It's like my dreams are taunting me about a love that doesn't exist. Or does it? Can this kind of passion be real or am I just a feline in mating season? I wish you to speak, not to hear what you say but how the tone of your voice makes me melt. I get vibes every now and then when I walk by someone on the street and have to wake myself up because this is not my life. I am not this passionate person. I am just someone that just lives a normal life with tons of cats.

When bedtime arrives it becomes my favorite time of day because I get glimpses of what the pure Exstacy of holding you would be like and listening to you and having you as mine. If I settle down and create a normal life is that the end of my passion? Passion doesn't just dissipate.

In the normal throws of lust with one I am comfortable with still seems to be missing something. Is it my mystery man in my dreams that is making me feel guilty about loving my husband? Have you ever felt like you are cheating with your spouse on another? No betrayals have been committed in life and will never be. It's my dreams that I cannot control and why am I so addicted to this mystery person? Is it because that individual that probably doesn't exist fits all of my personal wants and needs? Probably. I can't marry the man of my dreams because I fear he does not exist, and I don't know if I would want him to. I've given myself over completely and totally to the loving embrace of another and the chemical reaction in my brain took me away.

Was it great! Yes. Downside? I gave over everything I was and became nothing. Just because I was the one, he was with, my existence didn't matter as long as he was happy. When he was happy, I was happy and now standing on the sidelines I see that it was so dangerous for me I almost lost myself in the whole thing. When I get scared or run out of options I run far away and have been doing this all my life. Why run from love? Have we been taught to accept it? Not really? Pain is not love and letting him hurt you is not love. I still dream and think of this individual that perfectly fits my life and personality and choices. There is just one thing missing. HE Does not exist! I still get rushes every now and then. That moment where the woman trips and falls into the arms of the man she is meant to be with for the rest of her life.

How many times can a person fall? Is it healthy to fall all of the time or not fall at all? How does one know when falling is appropriate? All of these questions could lead a person to lose their mind. If they weren't dreaming of perfect, charming men that are all about us and understand what we say when we say it. Why HIM. Why is there a HIM? Is there a HER? or THEM? Whatever the case might be I'm being haunted by the fantasy thought of something that will never happen. Something I don't want to happen.

Why do I still crave you though? I pray I never meet you in person and that you exist because the effects it would have on my life would be catastrophic. My dreams are supposedly telling me something but what is beyond me. My dreams started following me into the day and started attaching themselves to people that I know and see on a regular basis which is causing havoc in my brain. I find myself saying things and doing things that I would never do and have to stop myself because I am not that person. Am I? I get tingles walking by and smiling at some individuals that I never thought I would notice before and then think to myself why am I acting this way? That is where I have to draw the line.

Whomever you are or may not be I can't be caught up in some fantasy the fact I have a busy life to lead and people to take care of (and cats).

Your embrace will always be in my mind and body. That seduction of my whole senses and body took me over so completely I cannot forget about you. And I'm still hoping you don't exist. For existing would ruin my life.

Got to run its about bedtime and you are waiting for me because I can feel you. A level of intimacy that cannot be explained in words. You will always be there for me until the day I die and then I might meet you or at least be able to understand why I am haunted. I feel you in music, see you in movies, and know your always around.

It's my guilty pleasure. Just don't tell my husband!